Teeth!

Aya's smile will never be the same!  She has teeth!  I was a little worried about how nursing would go after her teeth came in, but it has been smooth.  I usually don't feel her teeth at all while I nurse.  It is only at the very end of feedings when she has fallen asleep or is ready to be done, that I sometimes have to be ready to take her off my breast or reposition her if she begins to clamp down. 
Really, I had more discomfort nursing Aya before her teeth pushed through.  She clamped down often and pulled.  I now think she did this because it made her gums feel better.  It was a relief that once her teeth came in I actually felt a lot better.

The Perfect Gift

My friend and I were talking the other evening about nighttime feeding.  Although it is usually not my favorite thing to do, and I'm still quite certain I'd prefer not have to get up at all at night, we both decided there are some special things about feeding our babies in the wee hours of the night. 

First, babies' eyes are beautiful in the dim light.  They are honest, pure and beautifully vulnerable. 

Secondly, we as nursing moms really have the perfect gift to give our little ones when they wake up needing comfort.  It is a special gift, made uniquely for them at that exact time and place.  We are lucky to be bearers of that gift. 

Lastly, for me, as a working mom, it feels important for me to be able to give my baby something that no one else can.  I know there are things that our caregiver does better than me--things that only she can give to Aya...but only I can nurse our little daughter and that makes me feel like her mom more than anything else.

A sick little one

My little Aya was sick this week. On Wednesday night she woke up around midnight and was burning hot. As a breastfeeding mom, I was so grateful I could instantly comfort her by feeding her. I wasn't surprised she was sick. The little boy at her sitter's house had come down with an ear infection and strep earlier in the week. The rest of the night was fretful for Aya. She called out in her sleep often. As I lay in bed listening for her, I felt so grateful I am still breastfeeding. I felt like it enabled our Aya to keep resting despite the fact she was miserable. I wondered what the mother who doesn't breastfeed does to comfort her sick baby and help her to sleep. Does she continue to warm bottles? Does she rely on rocking? As I drifted back into sleep, while still on high alert for Aya, I felt comforted knowing I could let Aya breastfeed all night long if she needed to. Having an option that guaranteed comfort and rest for her was a relief to me and a proud moment.

The next day we took Aya to the doctor and ruled out an infection. I also took her to the chiropractor for an adjustment. Mostly though, we nursed. She wasn't happy with solids as she often takes during the day. Instead, she just wanted me, and often. Two naps were spent laying close to me, nursing. She was easily comforted by nursing and easily nursed into peaceful, healing slumbers. I expected Aya to be sick for longer than she was because her buddy next door was sick for an entire week. But Aya seemed to rebound really quickly. I owe it all to breastfeeding, its antibodies, its comfort, and its healing. I read later it is good to nurse a sick baby as often as they will drink to speed healing. I wouldn't have had to read this however; Aya's body let me know that was what she needed. Amazing.

Breastfeeding a Sick Infant

Post Partum Depression

I haven't written at all about post partum depression yet, and it is time. In many ways, I wish I had written about my experience while I was in the midst of my depression; yet I will write my reflection of it and hopefully I will do it's feelings justice.

I had heard about post-partum depression but that's all. I wasn't going to have it...I wasn't even going to have the baby blues. I am not sure why I thought I had some special immunity that a large number of women don't.

Looking back, I think my first signs of depression were from the moment little Aya was born. I remember thinking she was beautiful and I was thrilled to have labored naturally. I remember being amazed at the complexity of her tiny face. It held everything all in a miniature model, yet was still so detailed, refined and perfect. It was the proudest moment I have ever felt but for some reason I felt detached from the very life I labored for. I didn't feel a need to hold her or be close to her. The doctor laid her on my chest when she was first born and I watched Dan cut her umbilical cord. But after that, I don't remember holding her or gazing at her for a very long time. They weighed her and checked her over, cleaned her, and checked her over again. Dan held her, then Grandma Milli, and then my parents and brother. I was light headed at the time and didn't feel 100% coherent, despite the fact I had a vaginal birth free of any kind of pain medication.

After quite some time, I was able to hold Aya to feed her, but I don't remember feeling very connected to her then either. I was more excited that breastfeeding was working than I was to gaze at her and love her. She spent the night in the nursery and they brought her to me when she needed to nurse. And on the second day in the hospital I remember holding her very little still. Each time I did, she was swaddled tightly, her cap on. My friends came to visit and held her the whole time. When they left I remember them asking if I wanted to hold her. I said I didn't; I said they could lay her in her little bassinet. When I think about this now, it makes me sad. My side would have been the most comforting, most reassuring and most natural space for Aya's small little spirit--and it would have been best for me too.

The lack of connection I felt towards Aya continued, but as time went on it got worse. In addition to feeling like I hadn't fallen in love with my baby, I now felt burdened by her, overwhelmed by her, frustrated with her. I honestly had many days where I didn't want her and didn't want her to be mine. I would look at her crying and feel like letting her be. I didn't feel sad for her or concerned for her well-being. I was taking care of her out of a feeling of obligation, not out of love for my sweet baby girl who was obviously asking for something whether she knew what it was or not.

Aya wasn't a very happy little baby. She cried a lot. It felt as though she was either sleeping or screaming so all I wanted her to do was sleep. Then, when she was awake, I wasn't happy until she was sleeping again. I felt anxious all the time, hoping for sleep, hoping it would last for a long time, and nervous about what I would do when she was up again. When she wasn't happy or sleeping, or wasn't sleeping long enough or well enough, when I wanted it, and how I wanted it, I was angry. I felt like I was on the verge of tears most of the time. When I wasn't crying, I gave myself pep talks about how much I had to be grateful for and I would have things in perspective again for a little while. I would be okay until things felt out of my control again. Anger returned and a mean hot energy ran through my entire body. I had to scream or cry to let it out, and in the process I said hurtful things to my husband and little Aya. Both times I promised her I would never say anything bad about her ever again.

Weeks past and things weren't getting any better. We weren't thriving. Even after we worked with our lactation consultant and a chiropractor and saw Aya's demeanor improve dramatically, I continued to feel miserable. Aya was better but I was getting worse. I felt really sad, really withdrawn and angry. It didn't help that I was having difficulty sleeping and my husband was emotionally and physically exhausted balancing work and his new baby girl, while never knowing what he could expect out of me. He walked carefully, not wanting to step on any hot spot that might set me off. We were in survival mode.

And so there came a day when we knew I needed to go and see my midwife to find out what to do. After a few simple questions she said she thought I was experiencing depression. She said she thought an anti-depressant would help. I cried in her office. I felt and looked terrible despite the fact I had gotten ready, showered and done my hair. The next time she saw me, about two weeks later, she walked in the room, took one look and said, "Wow, you look great, wide-eyed and happy! It must be going well!" And it was. The medication was really helping. I felt like I had found myself again. I felt like now I could fall for my baby girl who brought tears to her dad's eyes when she arrived.

Aya hadn't changed a lot. She still had moments of crying, still woke up frequently in the night and still wasn't a laid back baby. Yet, I could appreciate her now and give this new way of life a chance to reshape me, rather than trying to make it fit what I had previously known. I realized the more I tried to make Aya fit our life rather than fit ours around hers, the more frustrated I would be. I was going to have to learn what it really meant to put someone else needs before mine and be willing to let my routine get interupted a lot, again and again. It was time to start swimming with the new current no matter how much I wanted to resist it. But I was too worn out trying to swim upstream any longer. I believe my medication enabled me to think clearly enough to realize these good truths.

I also saw a counselor who walked me through anger management. We talked about having proactive and reactive responses to anger that would work for me--in both cases, I found I needed to take step back and figure out exactly why I was upset before saying anything. We discovered that without medicine I had had to act out of an emotional state of mind rather than a rational state of mind because my anger came so quickly. With medication, I was able to recognize when anger was coming and was calm enough to be proactive.

I am still learning a lot about post-partum depression but I have learned a lot already. Naturally, it's prevention intrigues me the most. Here is a compilation of some of the things I am discovering.

It is important for mom and baby to be together as often as possible after the birth. A baby is naturally programed to stay close to his mother for warmth, nourishment and bonding. Swaddling isn't necessary when a baby stays with his mother and it doesn't do the job that the human body does to regulate body temperature.

It is better to leave the hospital cap off of your babies head. A mother who can smell her baby's head can bond with her baby better.

Let the doctors and nurses do initial tests on your baby while you hold him. Skin to skin contact with your baby, early and often, helps with bonding.

Your baby will want to nurse soon after birth. By keeping your baby with you, you won't miss his window. This first nursing is important because your baby is in a unique state of alertness, ready to connect with you. If your baby is away from you when he wants to start nursing you might miss his cues.

If possible, clean your own baby. Studies have shown that mammals in the wild who don't clean there own babies often don't bond with their babies and sometimes even abandon their babies.

If possible, have a completely natural birth free of medications that could interfere with the hormonal responses your body uses to connect with your baby.

Omega 3s are important during pregnancy and post-partum. A mom and baby starved of these nutrients are more prone to post-partum depression and colic. A liquid form is easiest for your body to absorb.

When your body is ready and movement isn't painful, exercise regularly after the baby comes--as often as possible. Studies have shown that physical activity can work as well as medication in treating post-partum depression.

Recognize you need as much care as the new baby. Have an extra hand stay with you after your baby arrives. You will need someone to take care of you while you care for your baby. In many other cultures, the first weeks of post-partum are very set aside. They are looked at as very different from routine days. In some cultures there is actually a ceremony after several weeks of post-partum to welcome the mother back to her routine in the community. Do what you can to set aside these early weeks. Limit visitors if they aren't helpful to your recovery. The mother panda doesn't leave her den for a month after her baby is born. This is a helpful for picture for me when I think about visualizing the early weeks. When nature has its way, the early weeks are a very focussed time, free from extra stress and the normal routine.

Finally, nursing that is going well is shown to help prevent and fight post-partum depression. If it isn't going well, it can contribute to feelings of depression so seek help the minute you have questions, not after you are already experiencing a problem.

Another breastfeeding Perk

In the past, Winter has been hard to embrace in the morning. Getting up when it is cold and dark was always very difficult for me; it seemed no matter how much sleep I got it was still too hard to get up. Yet this November, I am not dreading Winter mornings any longer. Provided I go to bed early enough, getting up in the dark has become rather simple--almost joyful-- thanks to nighttime nursing and routinely getting up early enough to have a little time to myself before Aya wakes. I haven't missed a sunrise in a long time and I'm starting to really like it.

Teeth

Aya is on her way to 9 months now, and people at work are starting to ask me how much longer I plan to breastfeed. Many are wondering what I will do when Aya gets teeth. One of my friends had a terrible experience when her son got teeth around 6 months. She ended up weaning because the pain was too great. Mom told me all it took for her when I got teeth was to let out a yell the first time I bit her and I never did it again. At a La Leche League meeting, moms suggested ending the nursing sessions when your child bites to give her the message it isn't okay. I haven't had to experiment yet, but I thought it might be a good idea to be proactive and look up some helpful hints ahead of time. Here is what I found.

When your baby starts teething

An Added Perk

I have always been the first one to get cold and the last one to warm up. So, having Aya in February was perfect for me. I never once felt cold all winter. Actually, the winter felt good and invigorating...even if it was nearly the snowiest on record. While others were miserable, I was hoping we'd break the record. I expected that this winter I would once again spend a lot of my winter months chilled. Yet, Fall has already arrived. The mornings are chilly and the wind has felt fierce a few days. The seasons are changing and yet I'm still comfortable and cozy. I realize I might have breastfeeding to thank. It may be doing its good work by keeping me toasty just a little while longer. I just might have found another benefit of breastfeeding to add to the list.

Making the Most of Pumping Sessions

I don't think pumping is any mother's favorite thing to do. It is not as cozy or as comfortable as nursing a little warm child, but it is important and necessary for many moms, including me! There are a few things I have learned about pumping that have helped me get more out of my sessions, and I'd like to pass these ideas along. It is disappointing to go through an entire pumping session only to get a little return for your time. Here are some things that have helped me add volume to my bottles!

Relaxing my shoulders. It is amazing how my body responds to being comfortable.

Massaging my breasts as I pump.

Returning to the stimulation phase on the pump after the initial letdown is over.

Pumping a full 15 minutes. I find I often get more milk in those final 2-3 minutes that I otherwise would have missed.

Lifting my breasts while pumping and leaning forward. Is it gravity?

What has helped most however, is doing nothing...if I do and think about something else while I'm pumping, I get far more milk than if I'm aware of just how how far away I am from my desired goal.

It has also helped me to realize that it is okay if I don't get a lot of milk from one session. I can pump again or more often for a day. The milk will come; I might just have to spend a little more time loving my baby by pumping more often for a day.

Plugged Duct

I never had a plugged duct in my early nursing weeks, but mid way through 7 months I knew exactly what it meant to have one. I believe I got it because my Aya had been eating more solids during the day, but I had continued to pump the same amount of milk for her while away at work. However, it was a three day weekend-the first of the school year-and I was able to exclusively nurse without pumping. By Saturday night I felt really full, and by Sunday afternoon I realized I was still really full on one side even after Aya nursed. It was feeling uncomfortable, hard and stuck. I tried massaging the area and continued to put Aya back on the breast to see if she could nurse it out. It didn't work instantly, but with one last suckle, Aya had unplugged the duct and out poured the milk. It was like turning on a faucet. It made me laugh. Aya wasn't interested at all, so since we were on a road trip and not at home, I gently hand expressed into a sock. After about 5 minutes I wrung out a whole lot of milk! Again, I laughed.

Where I've Nursed

It is funny to think about the places one can nurse. I thought I'd share a quick list...to remind you of some of your own funny moments. One of the things I've decided I love most about babies is that they wear their feelings on their sleeves. They aren't afraid to be open and are naturally vulnerable. I can learn from my Aya's nature: it is okay to need care and it is good to ask for it.

Here are some places where I've nursed: at the park on the bench and on the grass, in dressing rooms at GoodWill and Talbots, while leaning over her car seat, at the coffee shop, in the backseat, while on the move, while sitting still and while lying down. My favorite was while I walked her in her soft carrier. She just couldn't wait until we got home.

Working and Nursing

I have been thankful these days that I am still nursing while working. I love knowing that although Aya can be fed, cared for, tickled, held and rocked by anyone, only I can nurse her-and sometimes that is the only thing she wants. Going back to work has been an adjustment on many levels. I have had to realize that someone else will know Aya's daily routine better than I will. I have had to realize that someone else might have a better idea of how much food she needs, which kinds she likes better than others, and exactly when she has had enough. Someone else may see her do things first and have a better sense of her daily rhythms. I have had to learn to listen to what my sitter has learned about Aya, rather than tell the sitter what I know about Aya. I have had to learn that it is good and okay that Aya will bond with another caregiver and love her, too. All the while, through my learning and letting go, I still know Aya needs me to nurse her. For that, I am very grateful.

The Sound of Nursing

When it is quiet enough in our home to listen while I feed Aya, I realize what a beautiful sound nursing is. I love to hear her swallow deeply in the beginning, listening to the sound of abundant milk flowing. Then, later in the feed, it is the gentler swallowing, the quieter drips of milk that sound satisfying, like the lasts bites of a decadent dessert you don't want to eat too quickly. Aya's body seems to almost dance to the music. When the music of the milk is loudest, her eyes are wide open, her hands often reach out for my face, a string on my hoody or my breast. Then, as the "music" calms and slows, so too her face relaxes, and her shoulders rest. As the "music" fades, her arms fall to her side, her hands open and she is lulled to sleep by the slow dance. It couldn't be anymore peaceful, for her, or me.

Works for Everything

I have come to love the fact that nursing seems to work for everything. Before Aya was born, I thought of nursing primarily as the way I would feed Aya. After she was born, I continued to think of it this way. I would feed her and then "watch the clock" for the next time it seemed as though she was probably hungry again. It didn't matter if she cried or fussed in between--I always assumed she was distressed for a reason other than needing to nurse. I knew the hunger cues to watch for, but for some reason I found them very difficult to read so I followed the clock instead. Aya would eat and then begin to suck her hands again a half an hour later...certainly she couldn't be hungry again--or was she!? Looking back, I think Aya needed to nurse far more often than I offered. She might not have always been hungry but she certainly was upset and nursing might have been the perfect way to soothe and comfort her.

Now I feed Aya whenever it seems right. Often it is because I can tell she is hungry but now I also nurse her when we have been apart for awhile, when she seems sensitive or unsure. It makes me happy to know I can meet most all of her needs by holding her close and letting her nurse.

Blisters?

I didn't know you could get sore nipples again...For a few days, I had noticed that I felt sore again and finally, when I actually looked at my nipple, I saw the culprit. I had little red blisters. Nursing felt like pinching and it wasn't comfortable. Crazy, right? Thankfully, I read some good information in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and started trying its suggestions. Basically, blisters, or blebs as they call them, can occur because of blocked ducts. The blisters forms over the top and actually collects some milk within them. They can occur more frequently after a period of time when the baby begins to sleep longer stretches at night. The book listed many options as remedies--soaking them in olive oil, warm water or vinegar, popping them with a sterilized needle, and more frequent nursing. I tried the vinegar. Vinegar actually absorbs the milk within the blister and then makes the blister smaller.

For a day or two, I put vinegar on a paper towel and wore it within my bra for a few minutes after feeding. Finally, after one of Aya's longer nursing sessions, I felt it pop and it bled a little. For several days after it popped, I still felt some tenderness but a lot less pressure. I followed the lead of a lactation consultant at a hospital class I attended, and used some neosporin, which helped speed up my recovery considerably. This was not a fun experience, but I was glad it reminded me again of how painful nursing can be in the early days, and reminded me too, of how thankful I am that nursing is comfortable again.

Letting Go of Schedules

I believe that in the beginning a lot of what was so challenging for me was deciding what I felt comfortable with as a mom. There is a lot to read about being a mom. There are a lot of contrasting opinions and a lot of do's and don'ts. There are a lot of different philosophies about parenting. It takes a long time to find what works for you as an individual and family, and it changes as you learn more about yourself as parents, too.

Before Aya came, I didn't do a lot of reading. I thought mothering would come naturally for me and that I would just know what to do. I took the advice, "Do what your instincts tell you to do." That sounded easy enough to me. I felt confident and ready, and so did my husband. But then Aya arrived and we realized we had no idea what we were doing. The instincts I did have about soothing Aya didn't seem to work, and we rather quickly lost a lot of confidence in our own God given gifts to care for our unhappy baby. In response, I started reading everything I could about how to comfort, feed and help Aya sleep. I wanted so badly to find a rhythm to our day again. For quite a while I decided to follow one set of advice that said you could get your baby on a schedule from the beginning. Proponents of having a schedule said it helped you parent because you knew what your baby wanted, you had time for yourself, and your baby would be happy. Perfect. Except Aya wouldn't get on the schedules that were proposed, and I became more nervous and tense about the fact she wasn't napping as long as the book said and wanted to eat more often than it said I should be feeding her. In time, I realized trying to keep Aya on a schedule was causing me more stress than simply doing the best I could to gauge her needs as they came.

I read in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding that many mothers try to "keep their feet under them" in the beginning. I certainly was. It compares learning to mother to a new swimmer who eventually learns you can't swim while trying to drag your feet under you. Like swimming, I learned mothering might be easier the moment I stop trying to keep my feet under me and let the current take me. For me, there was freedom in letting go and this swimming parallel continues to be very helpful for me. When I try to keep my feet under me (by trying to stick to a schedule or keep everything neat and tidy), I feel my body tightening and my mind tiring. Yet when I let go, and fall in place with Aya's own rhythm (or lack of), I feel my body relax and my mind is calmer. I enjoy being a mom this way and it feels more natural.

Now I don't worry about exactly when Aya last ate. I feed her when she acts interested and eager. She might be hungry, or thirsty, or just want to be close. She might be scared, startled, or in a bit of pain. Breastfeeding seems to mend many things. La Leche League says adults are offered food often and we can decide when and how much we need at any given time. They suggest offering the breast as often as we would like too, because our babies will decide whether they need anything at the time or not. It just might be those little "snacks" we offer here and there that help our baby to grow best, both physically and emotionally. We might grow best as a mom this way too.

La Leche League Meetings

I went to my third La Leche League meeting yesterday morning. It is always so good to be with other moms. Moms seem to be very supportive of one another and value one anothers perspectives and experiences. It is nice to be in a place where you don't feel judged, only encouraged. Aya loves the meetings too. At home she won't sit on my lap for more than a minute or two without being ready to get up and move. But when Aya is with other people she seems to be able to sit for much longer stretches of time, happily taking in the sights and sounds that other babies provide.

Yesterday we did talk about some breastfeeding concerns, but we also talked about things like how to make time for yourself when your baby is little, how to prepare quick meals, and how to still make time for your spouse.

I am learning I really do love the philosophy of La Leche League. It isn't just about breastfeeding a baby. It is also about nurturing a little life and being aware of how motherhood also shapes you as a person, too. For me, La Leche League beautifully captures the entire picture of breastfeeding. It almost puts mother's milk as a nutritional source at the end of its long list of benefits and focuses more on the connection, love, security and peace a baby enjoys while feeding. I believe the philosophy of La Leche League has helped me to slow down as a mom and savor it more because it has helped me see breastfeeding not just as a meal, but as an intimate way to connect with my Aya.

Do I Have Enough Milk?

About the time my milk supply adjusted to Aya's needs, I began to worry I didn't have enough milk. I have since learned that it is common for moms to worry about this somewhere around 6 weeks when a milk supply typically balances out. For me, it was a bit later than that. I worried because Aya seemed to want to eat more frequently, my breasts never felt very full, and Aya would pat at my breast throughout feedings, often coming off the breast acting frustrated. I thought all of these things must be indicators that I didn't have enough milk. I got worried and called a breastfeeding hotline through my hospital. The lactation consultant I spoke to agreed it sounded as though I may need to boost my supply. However, later that day, I was able to connect with the lactation consultant I had worked with previously. Unlike the other lactation consultant, she felt my milk supply was probably fine. Her clue was that Aya was still going for long stretches at night. She said if a milk supply is in jeopardy, a baby who eats frequently all day long will get up at night too. Again, after talking to two different lactation consultants and hearing two different responses, I was reminded breastfeeding is about a lot of love, a little bit of science, and a lot of experimenting-- accompanied by trusting you and your baby.

Feeling confident Aya did have enough milk, I began experimenting a little to see why Aya seemed frustrated. I kept think she was coming off of the breast because she wasn't getting enough. So, I switched her to the other side and once again, she would come off the breast and hit my chest. I didn't think she could possibly be done because she hadn't nursed for what I considered to be long enough. She used to nurse for at least 15 minutes, so the new 5-10 minute routine confused me. Finally, I gave up, and when she came off of each breast, patting them, I stopped nursing her. She smiled. Aya wasn't patting at my breast, coming on and off, frustrated and fidgety because she didn't have enough to eat; rather, she was trying to tell me she had had enough. She was more efficient now and she was ready to play.

Nursing to Sleep

When Aya was a littler bean, evenings were a difficult period of time. She was often fussier and had a hard time settling in. In time, evenings became less stressful for all of us. We developed a routine I have come to love. Each evening when Aya shows signs of exhaustion, we give her a bath, a nice massage with nice smelling lotion or oil, and nurse. I love the last nurse of the day because it almost always ends with a sleeping, suckling baby, nestled between my belly and arm. She can suckle for a long time, a very long time. Last night we nursed for over an hour. A lot is just comfort nursing but the longer we nurse together, more letdowns come, and with them, more milk. I love watching her doze off and even sleep while suckling only to be "hit" again by another dose of milk that causes her to suck more vigorously again before the milk eventually slows again and aah, she rests again. I love knowing Aya is drifting into nighttime sleep comfortably with her mom. I used to take her off the breast when I knew she was done eating, but now I wait for her to do it on her own because I enjoy the time with her that much. I can tell myself I have not only fed her, but also that I have held her as long as she chose.

Nursing in Public

As I sat in public places trying to nurse little bean I dreaded the outcome of each feeding. Would she cry out? Would she be content? Would she be more unhappy than she was before I fed her? I had an image of breastfeeding in my mind that didn't match my reality. The image was of a perfectly calm, content, peaceful mother who held her equally calm, content and peaceful baby. But there was a problem. My Aya squirmed and fidgeted her way through feedings. She sometimes even stopped and let out a cry. She certainly didn't fall asleep at the end. My face wasn't peaceful either. I was tense and anxious. I wish I had pictures of the early days I fed Aya. Maybe moms would be encouraged to see that not all breastfeeding relationships start out looking like the peaceful images we see on the front of breastfeeding books or pamphlets.

I believe that I dreaded nursing in public mostly because my breastfeeding reality didn't fit the pictures. I thought that if Aya didn't feed well in front of others they would judge me and think to themselves, "Well she certainly doesn't have this figured out." I felt embarrassed, even a little ashamed, silly and like a very young, inexperienced mom. I felt very vulnerable.

Reflux?

Well, it seemed that shortly after my milk supply balanced out to meet Aya's needs, we had another obstacle. This time thankfully, it wasn't quite as large of a hurdle. However, it was still discouraging. I had grown accustomed to my happy little girl after she finished nursing as a welcome change to the screaming we encountered during the first few weeks of Aya's life. But, around 3 months, Aya started to show a lot of discomfort during and after feeding again. I worried it was my milk supply again, but since her stools remained a healthy yellow and hadn't turned green again (an indicator of oversupply), I was relatively confident this wasn't the issue. Her first feeding of the day, when she would have consumed a larger quantity of milk, was also her most content. Again, another reason to doubt her discomfort had anything to do with supply.

What I started to notice was that after Aya burped and spit up a bit, she seemed very relieved and then calm again. My lactation consultant recommended burping Aya between sides or anytime Aya unlatched (which was very frequently). Mary Kay wondered whether Aya bobbed on and off of the breast because she needed to burp during the feeding, not just after.

After listening to Mary Kay's suggestion, I did try to burp Aya more frequently during her feeding; sometimes it worked and we avoided a painful meltdown, and sometimes it didn't. Sometimes, stopping to burp Aya mid-feed actually seemed to make her more upset. My pediatrician suggested she had a little acid reflux which often starts around 3 months. She said if Aya's discomfort continued to be minimal and short lived we would avoid medicine because it often causes constipation. After a little more experimentation, I discovered that if I gave Aya a pacifier after she finished eating she was able to burp sooner. Almost instantaneously, little bean would be at ease again as if she had never been crying. It also made me feel better sooner.

The reflux like symptoms seemed to disappear as quickly as they came. You can be sure though, that I am still a very happy mama when my little girl finishes nursing and has a bright smile. I haven't started taking this bliss for granted after so many difficult nursing sessions, and I hope I never do. I do believe that gazing down at a completely peaceful, content child after they have finished nursing is one of life's greatest gifts. Everyday I look at my Aya and know she has grown because of my milk. Amazing, simply amazing.

Finding a Pediatrician

Before Aya was born I visited just one pediatrician. Since he was recommended by two trusted friends and his hours were good for working moms and dads, we decided to go with him. He was kind and had a lot of experience. He had also raised a large family himself. Yet, it was difficult for me to know what questions to ask him because I didn't have any mothering experience or knowledge about what we would need in a pediatrician. It was like interviewing a computer technician to find out whether she would be able to fix my computer. Well, how would I know? I don't know anything about computers and would never be able to tell if the technician was good or bad.

After Aya was born, we found out that there were aspects of the clinic where he practiced that we didn't like. We didn't find his nurse very warm and the clinic was very large. We had to wait a long time to see the doctor and when he did see us it didn't feel thorough. We decided it didn't feel right to us so we started exploring.

We thought we had found the perfect pediatrician for us when we visited the clinic after hours, concerned Aya had an ear infection. The pediatrician was very gentle and warm. She took a lot of time talking to us and listening to us. She was also very sweet with Aya. It felt good to find someone we both felt good about. When we took Aya in at 6 weeks, worried she wasn't eating or sleeping well, the same pediatrician was still gentle and warm. She was very kind, expressed her opinion that Aya was colicky, and gave us lots of soothing techniques. We cried in her office and she continued to be very supportive of us. However, when we called our lactation consultant the same day to discuss this diagnosis, everything changed. No, she said, green stools weren't normal or okay as the pediatrician suggested. No, it was not necessarily a good thing that Aya had gained so much weight so quickly, and no, she shouldn't scream after feeding for a short time. These weren't symptoms we had to wait out, as is the prescribed medication for colic. These were symptoms we could address and Aya could feel better.

It was then we started to realize that most pediatricians aren't trained in lactation. Our pediatrician wasn't trying to ignore the signals Aya was giving us, she was only telling us what she knew to the best of her knowledge and experience. However, I felt if I was going to be breastfeeding I needed to take Aya to a pediatrician who had more knowledge about it. After two more appointments, with two different pediatricians, we found one that we are very happy with. As I told her my story with Aya, I could tell she wouldn't have told us Aya was just colicky. When I told her about Aya's green stools she said, "Oh, it sounds like she had too much foremilk." She didn't have me at hello, but she had me when she said this. I was also happy to know she breastfeed her own daughter and after becoming a pediatrician realized she needed to know more about breastfeeding and took additional classes.

I think finding a pediatrician is difficult and important. It is worth the time and energy to keep looking until you are comfortable.

Can you be good at breastfeeding?

During our early struggle to work out breastfeeding, I was very sensitive when people made suggestions about how to make it better, especially if it was a suggestion to use alternatives to breastfeeding. Looking back, I realize I was defensive because I thought I could be good or bad at breastfeeding. I wanted to be good at it, not struggling.

Now, I don't believe you can be good or bad at breastfeeding. You can be knowledgeable, flexible and sensitive to your babies needs, but I don't think it is something that can be graded. I looked at my breastfeeding as something that could be evaluated and assessed--and if I was good at it I felt I could be proud. This kind of thinking wasn't helpful for me. I needed to know breastfeeding isn't about being good or bad at it. It is about lovingly caring for your baby. It is about a relationship that nourishes, nurtures, protects, calms and embraces your child. You can't be good or bad at it, and one breastfeeding relationship can't be compared to the next. At its core it is good, no matter how difficult it can be. There isn't a plaque for nursing mothers that says, World's Best, or a certificate to win at an award ceremony. If only I had realized this lie I believed sooner.

Feeling Sensitive

During our struggle to work out breastfeeding Aya, I became increasingly protective of our nursing relationship. In the process, I also became increasingly defensive when someone suggested I try some different alternatives to simply feeding my baby from the breasts. We heard lots of things.

How about you pump all of your milk and then give her it in a bottle?
Try this bottle--it says it ends colic!
It sounds like she is swallowing a lot of air while she feeds and I bet that is causing her gas.
We could try formula and see how she does on it.
Maybe your milk isn't good quality.

Oh, it was so hard to listen. Anytime someone tried to offer a gentle suggestion to help I felt my body tighten and grow hot and frustrated. I didn't want to believe that anything but my own body could feed my baby best, but at the same time I knew that breastfeeding at this time was not making Aya (or me) happy. It felt very personal and I felt very violated when a suggestion crossed over from an onlooker and into the arms of my breastfeeding baby. The space between my chest and baby felt like a sacred, vulnerable space that shouldn't be touched no matter how well meaning the person was. Yet, I know everyone was only trying to lovingly help because they knew how upset I was.

I hadn't expected to feel this way, but I did. I think all mothers who want to exclusively breastfeed their baby have felt like this in some way or another. Or, they have felt this way about other decisions they have made as a mother. It takes a person who is secure in their own decisions to hear suggestions in the way they were intended. I just wasn't there yet.

Cabbage Leaves?

Yes, cabbage leaves. When Mary Kay started talking to me about ways to decrease my milk supply, she said a little tentatively, "You can try cabbage leaves too." Cabbage leaves have been used throughout the generations as a way to decrease a woman's milk supply, help with engorgement, or during weaning to keep the mother comfortable. Let me tell you, they work, and they work quickly!

I was open to trying anything of course, and so I took Mary Kay's advice and applied a freshly washed cabbage leaf to each breast, 20 minutes at a time, twice a day. We were careful not to overuse it because cabbage works quickly and effectively and we didn't want to diminish my supply too aggressively.

I liked to "wear" the cabbage after I fed Aya and took her for a walk. Since I wanted to walk for longer than 20 minutes, I watched my clock closely and when the time was up, I reached into my shirt, pulled out the cabbage, and tossed it on the ground for some natural composting. I had a good laugh about this thinking that if anyone had seen me they would have been very confused to see a young lady pulling a cabbage leaf out from under her shirt. However, I needed a good laugh during this time and so I did it without a worry in the world.

Reducing My Milk Supply

My oh my, where do I begin! Well, for starters, reducing my milk supply took quite a lot of experimenting and adjusting to meet Aya's needs. One of the best ways to reduce an abundant milk supply is to keep the breasts full as long as possible. Full breasts send a message to the brain that they overdid it and don't need to continue producing so much. This may seem simple, but when you have a baby that needs to eat frequently, keeping breasts full is difficult.

The way to get around this problem is to try what they call block feeding. Basically, you only feed on one side for a given period of time and block out the other; by keeping the one breast full longer you decrease your supply while still feeding your baby. It is a bit of a guessing game as to how long to block out a side, but we started by switching every two feedings. Since I was feeding Aya every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, this meant I blocked out one breast for about 5-6 hours at a time. Now as you can imagine, when this time had elapsed and it was time to let Aya feed from the other breast, it was VERY full, TOO full. If I had let Aya simply feed from that side she would have been overwhelmed by the milk and received far too much foremilk--the whole reason for her discomfort to begin with. To get around this, I had to pump off the first 1-2 ounces of milk before I fed Aya a more balanced milk with the hindmilk she had been missing out on for too long. At first, it was a bit of an experiment as to how much milk I needed to pump off. Too much, and my body would continue to make far too much milk. However, too little, and Aya was a very unhappy little lady.

So, our goal was twofold--keep Aya calm and peaceful by pumping off some milk while still decreasing my milk supply. Slowly but surely my supply did decrease, and I got good at knowing when I had pumped just enough milk so that Aya would be comfortable. Like learning to make bread or ride a bicycle, I began to get the feel of a breast that was just right for feeding Aya in comfort. In time, I knew my supply was decreasing because I didn't have to pump off as much milk in the beginning. Sometimes I didn't have to pump at all, especially late in the day when milk supply naturally decreases.

The hardest thing about pumping for me was that I had to do it for night feedings. It was really difficult for me to listen to little hungry Aya scream while I sat next to a nightlight and pumped. It was exhausting and felt like too much work. Several times, I thought about quitting all together. The pump made my breasts sore at first too; I had to use lanolin again, and felt like I was starting over in some ways. Nursing was not relaxing for me at all. It was the opposite. It made me nervous as I waited to see Aya's reaction to a feeding. Would she be content and peaceful? Would she arch her back and scream? Would she gulp and choke? I had seen pictures of women feeding their babies and not one of them looked like the battle it was for me. It was hard to continue when I felt like I was the reason Aya was so upset and challenging.

Through the entire process, we watched Aya's stools closely as an indicator of whether or not she was receiving hindmilk. During this time, I was eager to change her diaper to see if her stools had changed from green to yellow. Finally, after nearly a week, they did, and we knew Aya was finally getting a more balanced meal at each feeding.

The most miraculous change during this experience was Aya's demeanor. She wasn't colicky, her milk just wasn't quite right. She went from being fidgety and irritable, always on the brink of a meltdown, to a happy, calm little lady. Her fists unclenched, her arms relaxed. And so did we.

A new diagnosis; not colic

After we learned from the pediatrician that Aya had colic, I decided I should also call our lactation consultant to get her advice. I didn't think that screaming after feeding was normal or okay. Mary Kay agreed, and after listening to Aya's symptoms, suggested I was probably producing too much milk and overwhelming Aya's little developing system. I loved the questions she asked to help address our situation. They felt important and comprehensive. They felt like they were pinpointing a problem and not just addressing symptoms. She wanted to know Aya's birth weight, discharge weight, current weight, and all the details of what her feedings were like. After listening thoughtfully, she said it seemed as though Aya might be gaining weight too quickly. She also said that because Aya was gulping and choking her way through feedings, my letdown was probably very fast and forceful which is common with oversupply. Additionally, Mary Kay wanted to know what Aya's stools were like. I told her they were green and had wondered why I never saw the mustard yellow ones I thought breastfeed babies were supposed to have. These green stools also turned out to be a sign of oversupply. And so, the education on oversupply began.

There are two different kinds of milk mother's produce, foremilk and hindmilk. Foremilk comes first; it is a thirst quencher, high in lactose, and looks like skim milk. Later in the feeding, the fat content in the milk increases with each letdown. This later, more calorie dense milk, is called the hindmilk. It is creamy and thicker, and higher in calories. That is why it is important babies learn to empty one breast before going to the next, so they get a balance of both kinds of milk. When a mother produces too much milk (or more than the baby needs), an imbalance of foremilk and hindmilk is the result. Babies' tummies fill up on the early foremilk and don't have enough room for the hindmilk that comes later in a feeding. This imbalance will cause gas, fussiness, colicky symptoms and possibly reflux. The fact I switched Aya to the other breast each time she came off of the first breast crying only made the problem worse. As I switched her to the other side she was once again overwhelmed by additional foremilk, making her tummy hurt more .

I was so happy to hear there may be help for our little Aya, and relief for us too. The process of decreasing my milk supply was about to begin.

6 weeks and colic

Both Dan and I have decided that at 6 weeks we hit rock bottom. Dan's best friend was visiting us from California, which was something I had planned for Dan to thank him for all of his support during our pregnancy. It also happened to be the week we had not planned for. I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. What we did know however was that our little Aya couldn't seem to sleep, she cried when she was awake, and she wasn't eating well. When I would try to nurse her she would come off the breast after a minute or two and scream. I would assume I must not have enough milk on that side and switch her to the other, only to watch Aya repeat the same actions. She would nurse frantically for a minute or two, come of the breast, and scream. I would try to burp her but nothing would happen and she would continue to cry and cry some more, before we would eventually be able to bounce her to sleep. I felt like I was always waiting for the next feeding in hopes everything would be better. I had counted on feeding being a relaxing time for me and Aya, but it ended up being the opposite. Feeding Aya wasn't relaxing at all; rather it was stressful. It made me anxious and it definitely didn't seem to calm our daughter.

So, we called our pediatrician. Our pediatrician was very kind. She listened to our story with gentle sighs and watched me feed Aya. She said she seemed to be latched on well, and she was encouraged that Aya had gained a lot of weight. She guessed Aya was showing signs of colic and gave us a long list of things we could try to soothe her. She told us to get help. I looked over at Dan and I saw tears streaming down his face. Dan never shows emotions in public and rarely with me. When I saw him, I started to cry too. As we left the doctor's office I used the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked so bad, and I really didn't even care. When we left the clinic, Aya finally fell asleep in her car seat. Dan and I looked at each other and almost without saying anything at all, both decided to just drive until she woke again. We called my mom and told her we needed help.

Crying Spells

By 5 weeks, both my mom and mother-in-law were able to recognize that Aya's crying seemed more like distress than just fussiness. We couldn't tell. We always heard babies would cry so we didn't know what was normal. Both my mom and mother-in-law were a lot calmer during Aya's crying spells. I would sit and watch them gently rock her, bounce her or walk her from one side of the room to the next. Their faces were happy and full of delight, really. No, they weren't happy their grandbaby wasn't content, but they were happy because they loved her and wanted to spend time with her regardless of her disposition. My husband and I on the other hand were drained, our tanks were on empty, and we just wanted our little girl to sleep because after all, the only time she wasn't crying was while she slept. I remember my brother saying once, "Why do you want Aya to sleep all day?" I didn't like the question then, but looking back I have an answer, "Because it is the only time she is happy!"

My mom and mother-in-law also showed us different ways of holding Aya and tried to help reduce her gas by holding her on one side and then switching her to the other side. She seemed to be more comfortable face out, her head nestled against the inside of their elbows, her feet dangling on either side of the palm of their hands. They knew she had pain because one minute she would be peacefully asleep and the next her eye brows would furrow, her body would grow rigid and she would let out a loud screech. What we still didn't know was that we could help her by addressing the cause of the gas, not just treating its symptoms.

4 Weeks Old

There they were, more signs that something wasn't going right for Aya when she ate. Yet again, I didn't know. Feeding was becoming more and more of what felt like a battle. She would come on and off of the breast sputtering or choking. I would keep putting her back on the beast because it hadn't been very long, and she'd suck some more before once again coming off sputtering and fussing. Often, she cried after feedings and never really seemed peaceful. Aya was already getting far too much milk, far too quickly, but I didn't know. Later, I learned that the force of my letdown was like laying on your back and drinking from a hose that is on full blast. At this time, I simply switched Aya to the other side every time she came off of the first breast. I didn't know what else to do.

3 Weeks Old

At 3 weeks old, Aya was beginning to show some signs of a larger problem that I didn't know could exist. Around 6 weeks, we discovered I was producing far more milk than Aya needed or could handle. I wish I had known the signs in those early days, but as my lactation consultant said, we don't live in a culture that makes it very easy for moms to learn about breastfeeding from other moms. So, there we were at 3 weeks. Aya was rarely content. She fussed most of the time that she was awake and feedings didn't always seem to calm her. Usually, she still cried after eating which was confusing because I thought if I fed her she would have what she needed. It was hard to know when Aya was actually hungry because she was always very discontent. I now think it is important to know that crying or discontentment after eating is usually a sign there might be a problem, or at least is something to ask about.

The Clock and Reading Hunger Cues

During the first weeks, I really thought if I wrote down exactly what time Aya had ate and for how long on each side that I might start to notice a pattern in her day. I thought if Aya had a pattern, life would get a lot easier. Now, I realize that it is good to live less structured for awhile. It is good for my character. I think I must have read about writing down the details of every feeding in a book or else I don't think I would have thought about doing it. I wish I hadn't read it because it made me watch the clock way too much and listen far too little to the needs of my Aya. Breastfeeding is the first thing a mom and baby learn to do together and I had to learn to trust my little girl would stop when she had had enough and give me enough signals to tell me when she was hungry. For a long time, I found it difficult to read these cues; sometimes, I still do.

Now, nearly 6 months later, Aya does have more of a rhythm to her day, but it doesn't always say the same time on the clock. I have learned that when she pats my chest and cries towards the end of feedings it doesn't mean she is still hungry and can't get any more milk. I have learned it means she is done and wants to move on to something more exciting. I have also learned to read Aya's hunger cues better. She doesn't always put her hands to mouth like I read in the books, nor does she always root when I touch her cheek. Sometimes Aya starts rooting when she is not hungry and just needs to suck for awhile. Aya's hunger cues are more like a nervous dance accompanied by jerking legs and wiggling, anxious arms. I think hunger cues change as a baby grows and moms learn right along with them.

Nigthtime Fears

After the first week of night times with Aya, I have to admit I was really afraid of them. As it got later in the day and the sun set, I became increasingly anxious about how the night would go. I was always very tired by this point in the day, and desperately wanted to know that I would be able to sleep, even if it would only be for short stretches. Before Aya, I was used to knowing that my day would eventually "end," and that I would have time to sit with my husband and wind down with him each evening. It didn't matter what kind of day I was having at school because I knew there "was a light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. I would get to sit and enjoy a dinner of chicken and avocado, munch on my daily ritual snack-banana chips, and get my feet rubbed before drifting off to sleep. I wasn't prepared for what it would be like to have a baby at home who didn't yet have any sort of routine or predictability. I didn't know how long the evening hours would stretch and when Aya would finally "settle in" and sleep for her first stretch of the night. The days were hard, and I think they were even harder for me because I didn't know when they would "end" and relaxing would commence.

For the first several weeks, I never did really feel like I got to relax before going to sleep. In fact, the evenings became the trickiest time of the day. We were the most tired, and Aya was the fussiest. It seemed like the only thing that would comfort her was nursing, and so that is what I did, every hour or so, until finally, sometimes as late as 11, Aya would be so worn out from screaming her way to the next feeding, that she could be put down and stay asleep. At that moment, tired and cranky, often very irritated, even angry, I would go to bed, not because I really wanted to, or had had time to wind down or reflect on the goodness of the day, but because I felt rushed to sleep knowing that the window might be short.

I will say that this period of time passed, and only in retrospect, I can say it passed quickly. In time, Aya became calmer in the evenings and content with our special evening time routine--a bath, a gentle massage and a long comforting nurse before she entered into dreams. We started to know and trust our little girl actually would fall asleep each evening. I could lay her down, leave her room, and enter into our kitchen to finish the dinner preparations knowing that it was now our time wind down and put the day into a capsule of gratitude before bed. The time where I knew my day would eventually come to a close peacefully did come, and I remember the first time it happened. I felt like celebrating and we did. We sat down on our back patio and grilled some steak. I didn't know I would ever have a sense of normalcy again, and there it was, sitting under the slowly darkening sky, in my own life, with our own baby girl snoozing inside. And she looked so beautiful and she was ours.

Let the Healing Begin

I can't emphasize enough the important of getting in touch with a lactation consultant as early as possible as you begin to breastfeed. I thought things were going just fine. I was sore, cracked and bleeding some, but I had heard this was par for the course and that it would get better. "Give it two weeks," was what I always heard. However, feedings were becoming increasingly more difficult and painful. I was beginning to dread them, even cry through them. It didn't help when Aya wanted to nurse for long periods of time, especially in the middle of the night when I hadn't figured out how to nurse her comfortably. I thought I just had to muscle up and let it pass, but when I finally called Mary Kay I found out I was wrong. She said that if I was cracked and bleeding I might want to consider using a nipple shield so they could heal and feedings could be more comfortable. Nipple shields also help newborns learn to latch on if they are having difficulty. The minute we heard this advice, Dan went out to get one at our local Target, and suddenly, miraculously, feeding became comfortable, almost enjoyable, for the first time since those initial feedings in the hospital. Plus, as an added bonus, it seemed Aya's latch had improved. Her mouth opened wider and her lips uncurled. In just two days I wasn't cracked or bleeding any longer and didn't have to use the shield again. The best thing about using the shield was that Aya's latch had improved as a result, and it seemed to stick even after I stopped using it. Dan always says to expecting parents now, "Make sure you have a nipple shield before the baby comes!" No one has ever heard of one and we still wonder why they don't come home with you from the hospital instead of information on supplementing and formula. Why keep these secrets from moms hoping to breastfeed? We have no idea!

One important thing to know while using a nipple shield is that it can sometimes cause a decrease in milk supply if used incorrectly, so please be in touch with a lactation consultant before and during its use.

Day and Night Confusion

I think all moms and dads go through some long and loud first nights with their newborns. Aya was no exception. She would sleep and sleep and sleep during the day and then cry and cry and cry all night long...which would have been okay if our own day and night schedules were reversed too. When I got in touch with Mary Kay, my lactation consultant and dear friend's mom, I told her how difficult it was to get Aya to settle in at night. I explained that she would cry hard for long periods of time until finally going back to sleep snuggled up against my chest. Mary Kay wondered how often Aya was eating during the day and was surprised when I told her she would easily go 5 hour stretches in the daytime without food. Mary Kay suggested we needed to wake Aya during the day to feed her every two hours if we could, not only to help establish my milk supply, but also to give Aya more tactile touch during the day in hopes she would sleep better at night. After a day or two of getting Aya up to eat during the day, to hold her close and love her, her nights went a lot more smoothly, and so did ours. It is these little tips I wish I had known about. Sweet Aya needed love and affection; she didn't know the difference between 3 pm and 3 am, but I certainly appreciated it when we helped her figure it out.

The following article, The World Through My Child's Eyes, beautifully paints a picture of those first few nights. http://www.llli.org/NB/NBNovDec06p256.html

Early Questions

Unfortunately, our first and only full day at the hospital was Sunday. Sunday would have been fine except for the fact it was the only day at the hospital the lactation specialists don't work. The nurses were very helpful but I don't think they were able to offer the expertise of a trained, certified, lactation specialist. On the day of our discharge, the lactation specialist finally came to visit with us. Aya had just nursed and was sleeping peacefully. She asked us how things were going and I told her they seemed to be going well (I didn't have the experience to know they could have been going a lot better). I told her that I was beginning to feel sore and she encouraged me to make sure Aya's mouth was wide open before latching on. Looking back, I really wished I had described how Aya was nursing to get feedback. I also wish I would have let her watch me feed Aya so that she could have given some suggestions. I believe the first days of nursing are so very critical for a good and solid start to breastfeeding, and I now understand that many problems can be avoided if they are noticed initially before they become bigger, and more challenging. And so my suggestion to new moms is to make sure they have as much help breastfeeding in the beginning as possible. Ask the nurses, the lactation specialists, and maybe even a la leche league leader, to sit with you while you nurse and offer feedback and suggestions. Continue to get support when you go home too because your milk most likely won't even come home until a day or two after you've left the hospital. Make plans ahead of time to have a post partum doula, or a local la leche league leader on hand if you need them to visit you in your home. Here are some questions I wish I had asked but didn't know I needed the answers until much later.
How should nursing feel?
What should nursing sound like?
Can you help me position Aya?
How can I be more comfortable while nursing?
How often should I nurse?
How can I know when the baby is done?
It was difficult to know what questions to ask in the beginning because I didn't know what I needed to know. I now often tell my pregnant friends to focus less on how to go through labor and more on how to feed their baby. After all, feeding and sleeping is what newborns do and in my experience, when feeding isn't going well, nothing else goes well either.

Home Sweet Home

Before we left the hospital the lactation specialist met with us briefly. I listened to her explain that often babies "wake up" the first night they are at home and want to be held close all night long. She was right. The quiet, content baby I had known at the hospital couldn't have needed her mama more those first nights we were home. I wasn't prepared for those nights. Aya would nurse and nurse and nurse and nurse but still not settle down or stay asleep when she was done. She would suckle peacefully, finish asleep, but then suddenly reawaken and cry some more. I felt like the only way to calm her and soothe her to sleep was to feed her once again. While this pattern seemed to comfort Aya for the moment, it also made me even sorer than I already was. Breastfeeding became more and more uncomfortable and I started to resent the fact I wasn't sleeping at all and that I was hurting. I started to feel really exhausted. In fact, the only way I could get little bean (my nickname for Aya) to sleep without nursing was to lay her on my chest. She would swim up under my neck and finally let herself dream. She was beautifully compact against my chest. Each little movement reminded me of the movement I felt while she was still cozy inside of my belly and I wondered if she was trying to recreate the womb. I might have loved this familiar, nurturing position more, except for the fact that I couldn't seem to fall asleep while she slept. So, eventually she would wake again to eat, I would feed her (while I felt a lot of pain), and she would then cry again until finally finding that sweet spot high up on my chest, nestled underneath my chin. I felt drained and unable to lay in awe of my sleeping miracle.

First Feedings

I think one of the very best things about the first time I fed Aya was that I didn't think about it; I just held her, brought her close, and let it happen. I didn't know if it was a correct latch, a correct position, or even if she was drinking very much. But, what was so nice was that I didn't care. What did matter was that I was holding my little girl and that she was being loved. I wish now I could remember that first feeding with even more clarity. I wish I could see her eyes, smell her, and touch her skin all over again.

For those first two nights in the hospital I would look forward to Aya's wakings so that I could hold and feed her again. The nurses were very helpful and didn't make me feel like a novice at all. They showed me how to tickle her upper lip with my nipple, how to wait for her mouth to open as wide as possible, and then bring her quickly to the breast. The hardest thing for me was learning to anticipate when Aya would open up wide enough to bring her onto the breast. It seemed like she'd finally open wide and then before I knew it, she would close it again, too quickly for me to get her latched on. Or, I would get her latched on, but only to the tip of the nipple which obviously wasn't quite right. From there, I'd have to take her off the breast by putting my finger between my nipple and the side of her mouth, and start the whole looking, waiting, open wide, latching on process again.

When my nipples were sore (and getting sorer)36ish hours hours after our first feeding, I knew it was going to take some time to adjust to breastfeeding. I knew we probably had to work on Aya's latch and I wondered whether I was positioning her correctly. I noticed I was starting to crack and bleed a little bit in the hospital shower that second full day of her life. I used a lot of lanolin and felt humiliated when my discharge nurse said she couldn't get me another tube unless I wanted to pay for it.

Aya's feedings in the beginning were slow and I don't think I really knew what was happening. She would drink a little, and then fall asleep still sucking for a long time...sometimes it wasn't until nearly 45 minutes later that she would come off the breast and finish. At this point I always offered Aya both breasts, burping her in between not because she ever burped, but because that's what I had learned I should do. Later on, I learned not all babies really need to burp after feeding. Now, I find that sometimes Aya (at 5 months) burps on her own after a feeding and sometimes she doesn't. She is old enough that I can leave it up to her.

Breastfeeding those very first few times were wonderful--Aya would cry, eat, and then fall back asleep. I was sore, but I also wasn't aware of anything else that wasn't quite right. I didn't analyze and worry about our feeding times yet because there wasn't a need to. It wasn't until later, when we started to experience some difficulties, that feeding time became stressful and worrisome. Looking back, I'm thankful for those first feedings, and how I was just able to relax and let them happen. I was confident in my ability to nourish our baby. If I had stayed that calm through our difficult nursing months, we might have fared better. But, we always did the best we could at the time.

Starting Milk Mustache

As my friends and family know, breastfeeding was the largest challenge we faced early in Aya's life and a challenge I definitely didn't see coming. In fact, before my own breastfeeding journey began, I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't breastfeed. I had many misconceptions about breastfeeding. I thought it was easy and natural. I knew I might be sore in the first few days and I knew latching on might be a bit difficult in the beginning, but I didn't expect other breastfeeding obstacles. Somehow I felt I would be "above" other challenges I had heard about. I heard other moms talk about why they had to stop breastfeeding and I would simply say to myself, "That won't be me." Sadly, I thought moms who quit breastfeeding were just lazy, or mabye even selfish. But I was very wrong. Breastfeeding felt like a battle to me. I didn't like it and I didn't want to continue. My daughter didn't seem to be benefiting from it and it made me feel both physically and emotionally drained. I felt consumed by my breastfeeding issues. They felt like the source of my stress, nerves and pure exhaustion. I realized I had been too quick to judge.

And so this journal is my way of sharing all I have learned through my difficult breastfeeding start. It is my hope other moms might be able to gather strength and reassurance through reading about my own unique situation with Aya. I have started making plans to be a board certified lactation specialist to help moms like me who wanted to breastfeed but desperately needed help. When (and if) that happens, I will feel more comfortable sharing ideas and information to help with breastfeeding challenges, but for now I can only speak from my experience and hope it helps other moms as they begin their own breastfeeding journey.

Finally, I want to thank my own breastfeeding mentor, and La Leche League leader, Mary Kay, for making it possible for me to continue breastfeeding Aya. There were many days I wanted to stop and without her and the support of my mom and husband, I think I would have. Breastfeeding might be easy and natural for some, but as I have learned, the majority of new moms do have some difficulty. I do believe however, that with support and love, most moms can breastfeed with joy and with gratitude. It is a life changing gift and opportunity that takes time to open. My blog is just one way I feel I might be able to help stregthen the circle of breastfeeding support that already exists.