Letting Go of Schedules

I believe that in the beginning a lot of what was so challenging for me was deciding what I felt comfortable with as a mom. There is a lot to read about being a mom. There are a lot of contrasting opinions and a lot of do's and don'ts. There are a lot of different philosophies about parenting. It takes a long time to find what works for you as an individual and family, and it changes as you learn more about yourself as parents, too.

Before Aya came, I didn't do a lot of reading. I thought mothering would come naturally for me and that I would just know what to do. I took the advice, "Do what your instincts tell you to do." That sounded easy enough to me. I felt confident and ready, and so did my husband. But then Aya arrived and we realized we had no idea what we were doing. The instincts I did have about soothing Aya didn't seem to work, and we rather quickly lost a lot of confidence in our own God given gifts to care for our unhappy baby. In response, I started reading everything I could about how to comfort, feed and help Aya sleep. I wanted so badly to find a rhythm to our day again. For quite a while I decided to follow one set of advice that said you could get your baby on a schedule from the beginning. Proponents of having a schedule said it helped you parent because you knew what your baby wanted, you had time for yourself, and your baby would be happy. Perfect. Except Aya wouldn't get on the schedules that were proposed, and I became more nervous and tense about the fact she wasn't napping as long as the book said and wanted to eat more often than it said I should be feeding her. In time, I realized trying to keep Aya on a schedule was causing me more stress than simply doing the best I could to gauge her needs as they came.

I read in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding that many mothers try to "keep their feet under them" in the beginning. I certainly was. It compares learning to mother to a new swimmer who eventually learns you can't swim while trying to drag your feet under you. Like swimming, I learned mothering might be easier the moment I stop trying to keep my feet under me and let the current take me. For me, there was freedom in letting go and this swimming parallel continues to be very helpful for me. When I try to keep my feet under me (by trying to stick to a schedule or keep everything neat and tidy), I feel my body tightening and my mind tiring. Yet when I let go, and fall in place with Aya's own rhythm (or lack of), I feel my body relax and my mind is calmer. I enjoy being a mom this way and it feels more natural.

Now I don't worry about exactly when Aya last ate. I feed her when she acts interested and eager. She might be hungry, or thirsty, or just want to be close. She might be scared, startled, or in a bit of pain. Breastfeeding seems to mend many things. La Leche League says adults are offered food often and we can decide when and how much we need at any given time. They suggest offering the breast as often as we would like too, because our babies will decide whether they need anything at the time or not. It just might be those little "snacks" we offer here and there that help our baby to grow best, both physically and emotionally. We might grow best as a mom this way too.

La Leche League Meetings

I went to my third La Leche League meeting yesterday morning. It is always so good to be with other moms. Moms seem to be very supportive of one another and value one anothers perspectives and experiences. It is nice to be in a place where you don't feel judged, only encouraged. Aya loves the meetings too. At home she won't sit on my lap for more than a minute or two without being ready to get up and move. But when Aya is with other people she seems to be able to sit for much longer stretches of time, happily taking in the sights and sounds that other babies provide.

Yesterday we did talk about some breastfeeding concerns, but we also talked about things like how to make time for yourself when your baby is little, how to prepare quick meals, and how to still make time for your spouse.

I am learning I really do love the philosophy of La Leche League. It isn't just about breastfeeding a baby. It is also about nurturing a little life and being aware of how motherhood also shapes you as a person, too. For me, La Leche League beautifully captures the entire picture of breastfeeding. It almost puts mother's milk as a nutritional source at the end of its long list of benefits and focuses more on the connection, love, security and peace a baby enjoys while feeding. I believe the philosophy of La Leche League has helped me to slow down as a mom and savor it more because it has helped me see breastfeeding not just as a meal, but as an intimate way to connect with my Aya.

Do I Have Enough Milk?

About the time my milk supply adjusted to Aya's needs, I began to worry I didn't have enough milk. I have since learned that it is common for moms to worry about this somewhere around 6 weeks when a milk supply typically balances out. For me, it was a bit later than that. I worried because Aya seemed to want to eat more frequently, my breasts never felt very full, and Aya would pat at my breast throughout feedings, often coming off the breast acting frustrated. I thought all of these things must be indicators that I didn't have enough milk. I got worried and called a breastfeeding hotline through my hospital. The lactation consultant I spoke to agreed it sounded as though I may need to boost my supply. However, later that day, I was able to connect with the lactation consultant I had worked with previously. Unlike the other lactation consultant, she felt my milk supply was probably fine. Her clue was that Aya was still going for long stretches at night. She said if a milk supply is in jeopardy, a baby who eats frequently all day long will get up at night too. Again, after talking to two different lactation consultants and hearing two different responses, I was reminded breastfeeding is about a lot of love, a little bit of science, and a lot of experimenting-- accompanied by trusting you and your baby.

Feeling confident Aya did have enough milk, I began experimenting a little to see why Aya seemed frustrated. I kept think she was coming off of the breast because she wasn't getting enough. So, I switched her to the other side and once again, she would come off the breast and hit my chest. I didn't think she could possibly be done because she hadn't nursed for what I considered to be long enough. She used to nurse for at least 15 minutes, so the new 5-10 minute routine confused me. Finally, I gave up, and when she came off of each breast, patting them, I stopped nursing her. She smiled. Aya wasn't patting at my breast, coming on and off, frustrated and fidgety because she didn't have enough to eat; rather, she was trying to tell me she had had enough. She was more efficient now and she was ready to play.

Nursing to Sleep

When Aya was a littler bean, evenings were a difficult period of time. She was often fussier and had a hard time settling in. In time, evenings became less stressful for all of us. We developed a routine I have come to love. Each evening when Aya shows signs of exhaustion, we give her a bath, a nice massage with nice smelling lotion or oil, and nurse. I love the last nurse of the day because it almost always ends with a sleeping, suckling baby, nestled between my belly and arm. She can suckle for a long time, a very long time. Last night we nursed for over an hour. A lot is just comfort nursing but the longer we nurse together, more letdowns come, and with them, more milk. I love watching her doze off and even sleep while suckling only to be "hit" again by another dose of milk that causes her to suck more vigorously again before the milk eventually slows again and aah, she rests again. I love knowing Aya is drifting into nighttime sleep comfortably with her mom. I used to take her off the breast when I knew she was done eating, but now I wait for her to do it on her own because I enjoy the time with her that much. I can tell myself I have not only fed her, but also that I have held her as long as she chose.

Nursing in Public

As I sat in public places trying to nurse little bean I dreaded the outcome of each feeding. Would she cry out? Would she be content? Would she be more unhappy than she was before I fed her? I had an image of breastfeeding in my mind that didn't match my reality. The image was of a perfectly calm, content, peaceful mother who held her equally calm, content and peaceful baby. But there was a problem. My Aya squirmed and fidgeted her way through feedings. She sometimes even stopped and let out a cry. She certainly didn't fall asleep at the end. My face wasn't peaceful either. I was tense and anxious. I wish I had pictures of the early days I fed Aya. Maybe moms would be encouraged to see that not all breastfeeding relationships start out looking like the peaceful images we see on the front of breastfeeding books or pamphlets.

I believe that I dreaded nursing in public mostly because my breastfeeding reality didn't fit the pictures. I thought that if Aya didn't feed well in front of others they would judge me and think to themselves, "Well she certainly doesn't have this figured out." I felt embarrassed, even a little ashamed, silly and like a very young, inexperienced mom. I felt very vulnerable.

Reflux?

Well, it seemed that shortly after my milk supply balanced out to meet Aya's needs, we had another obstacle. This time thankfully, it wasn't quite as large of a hurdle. However, it was still discouraging. I had grown accustomed to my happy little girl after she finished nursing as a welcome change to the screaming we encountered during the first few weeks of Aya's life. But, around 3 months, Aya started to show a lot of discomfort during and after feeding again. I worried it was my milk supply again, but since her stools remained a healthy yellow and hadn't turned green again (an indicator of oversupply), I was relatively confident this wasn't the issue. Her first feeding of the day, when she would have consumed a larger quantity of milk, was also her most content. Again, another reason to doubt her discomfort had anything to do with supply.

What I started to notice was that after Aya burped and spit up a bit, she seemed very relieved and then calm again. My lactation consultant recommended burping Aya between sides or anytime Aya unlatched (which was very frequently). Mary Kay wondered whether Aya bobbed on and off of the breast because she needed to burp during the feeding, not just after.

After listening to Mary Kay's suggestion, I did try to burp Aya more frequently during her feeding; sometimes it worked and we avoided a painful meltdown, and sometimes it didn't. Sometimes, stopping to burp Aya mid-feed actually seemed to make her more upset. My pediatrician suggested she had a little acid reflux which often starts around 3 months. She said if Aya's discomfort continued to be minimal and short lived we would avoid medicine because it often causes constipation. After a little more experimentation, I discovered that if I gave Aya a pacifier after she finished eating she was able to burp sooner. Almost instantaneously, little bean would be at ease again as if she had never been crying. It also made me feel better sooner.

The reflux like symptoms seemed to disappear as quickly as they came. You can be sure though, that I am still a very happy mama when my little girl finishes nursing and has a bright smile. I haven't started taking this bliss for granted after so many difficult nursing sessions, and I hope I never do. I do believe that gazing down at a completely peaceful, content child after they have finished nursing is one of life's greatest gifts. Everyday I look at my Aya and know she has grown because of my milk. Amazing, simply amazing.