I never knew I could love our baby this much.
Last night after school, Dan and I drove to our PO Box to pick up the mail. I was expecting a set of photos of our baby girl and there they were. I am always excited to open up mail and sometimes I order pictures just so I can have the pleasure of diving into a new set of our favorite photo captures. As we both looked through the photos, I kept stopping with each one, gushing over every smile and expression on Aya's face. "Oh, I just LOVE this baby," I kept saying, holding the photos closer as if I could just get lost in her forever. And then Dan said it, "You missed out on this feeling for so long in the beginning." It hit me. I just now really and deeply love my baby. In the beginning I could tell myself I loved my baby, but I certainly didn't feel it. There wasn't a resounding, overwhelmingly beautiful feeling in my body that made me melt when I looked at Aya. There wasn't a desire to snatch her up and kiss her all over her face.
I will never know for sure all of the reasons I had such a difficult time bonding with our baby, but I do know that the bonding process is beautiful, and that it unfolds. I am glad I have started to see it and celebrate it. Whether I would have bonded more quickly if I hadn't experienced post-partum depression I won't know either, but I do know that once my body started recovering with the help of medication, counseling and family support, that I was able to begin falling in love with Aya.
Nursing continues to be part of our bonding process. For a time, I dreaded and feared nursing sessions because they often were uncomfortable and rarely accomplished their expected calming results. Now it is a pleasure to nurse and I couldn't be happier when Aya wants me, just me.
