I never knew I could love our baby this much.
Last night after school, Dan and I drove to our PO Box to pick up the mail. I was expecting a set of photos of our baby girl and there they were. I am always excited to open up mail and sometimes I order pictures just so I can have the pleasure of diving into a new set of our favorite photo captures. As we both looked through the photos, I kept stopping with each one, gushing over every smile and expression on Aya's face. "Oh, I just LOVE this baby," I kept saying, holding the photos closer as if I could just get lost in her forever. And then Dan said it, "You missed out on this feeling for so long in the beginning." It hit me. I just now really and deeply love my baby. In the beginning I could tell myself I loved my baby, but I certainly didn't feel it. There wasn't a resounding, overwhelmingly beautiful feeling in my body that made me melt when I looked at Aya. There wasn't a desire to snatch her up and kiss her all over her face.
I will never know for sure all of the reasons I had such a difficult time bonding with our baby, but I do know that the bonding process is beautiful, and that it unfolds. I am glad I have started to see it and celebrate it. Whether I would have bonded more quickly if I hadn't experienced post-partum depression I won't know either, but I do know that once my body started recovering with the help of medication, counseling and family support, that I was able to begin falling in love with Aya.
Nursing continues to be part of our bonding process. For a time, I dreaded and feared nursing sessions because they often were uncomfortable and rarely accomplished their expected calming results. Now it is a pleasure to nurse and I couldn't be happier when Aya wants me, just me.
Jen, I know things were difficult in the beginning (only because you said so)and i am filled with joy that it has changed. I still remember my feelings of watching Cooper sleep or just looking at him and crying because he was soooo beautiful! To me, the most beautiful child in the world!! My heart was overwhelmed with love for him, seriously...my cup runeth over!!! Yet sadly, due to problems in my marriage, I don't remember such deep joy with Aubrey.Of course I loved her just as much and in different ways because she was a different baby, but it was a very traumatic time in my life. Maybe that is why Aubrey and I were given time together to have such a good relationship now...who knows. I am so happy for you all and that you have Dan who so clearly supports you in every way. I love you so much. Regan
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