I Never Knew...

I never knew I could love our baby this much.

Last night after school, Dan and I drove to our PO Box to pick up the mail.  I was expecting a set of photos of our baby girl and there they were.  I am always excited to open up mail and sometimes I order pictures just so I can have the pleasure of diving into a new set of our favorite photo captures.  As we both looked through the photos, I kept stopping with each one, gushing over every smile and expression on Aya's face.  "Oh, I just LOVE this baby," I kept saying, holding the photos closer as if I could just get lost in her forever.  And then Dan said it, "You missed out on this feeling for so long in the beginning."  It hit me. I just now really and deeply love my baby.  In the beginning I could tell myself I loved my baby, but I certainly didn't feel it.  There wasn't a resounding, overwhelmingly beautiful feeling in my body that made me melt when I looked at Aya.  There wasn't a desire to snatch her up and kiss her all over her face. 

I will never know for sure all of the reasons I had such a difficult time bonding with our baby, but I do know that the bonding process is beautiful, and that it unfolds.  I am glad I have started to see it and celebrate it.  Whether I would have bonded more quickly if I hadn't experienced post-partum depression I won't know either, but I do know that once my body started recovering with the help of medication, counseling and family support, that I was able to begin falling in love with Aya. 

Nursing continues to be part of our bonding process.  For a time, I dreaded and feared nursing sessions because they often were uncomfortable and rarely accomplished their expected calming results.  Now it is a pleasure to nurse and I couldn't be happier when Aya wants me, just me.

An unexpected gift

I have been so grateful that for the past 11 months I have been able to pump enough milk for Aya.  I have to admit though, it has not been my favorite thing to do.  Holding baby Aya and seeing the joy she gets from nursing is worth every effort, but pumping isn't exactly enjoyable.  Despite my efforts to look at the positive aspects, I have grown tired of the routine.  Plus, it still makes me a little sore.  However, I had decided that I would continue to pump twice a day beyond her first year to make sure she continued to receive the best nutrition I could give her.  I kept telling myself it wasn't her decision that I work. 

And so I was okay with continuing my pumping regime.  Over winter break though, an unexpected gift came my way!  While away from work, I was able to nurse Aya as often as she wanted and sometimes she would go an entire daytime without nursing.  She was sleeping well at night and so often I might only be nursing 3-4 times in an entire 24 hour period.  When I returned to work a week and half later, it was very obvious my supply had naturally dropped because suddenly my standard 8 ounces a day had dropped to 6 or even less.  Rather than worry about not getting enough, I decided to just go with this new amount.  I told our sitter to let me know if it didn't seem to be enough for Aya, but after a few days she said Aya was doing great despite the smaller bottle.  This meant I really wasn't going to have to keep pumping as much after all ,and I can now get enough milk from just one pumping session a day.  This small little gift of time that I no longer have to pump has been a nice surprise and reminds me that in the big picture, the time we mothers pump for our babies is really very short and worth more than we can know.