First Feedings

I think one of the very best things about the first time I fed Aya was that I didn't think about it; I just held her, brought her close, and let it happen. I didn't know if it was a correct latch, a correct position, or even if she was drinking very much. But, what was so nice was that I didn't care. What did matter was that I was holding my little girl and that she was being loved. I wish now I could remember that first feeding with even more clarity. I wish I could see her eyes, smell her, and touch her skin all over again.

For those first two nights in the hospital I would look forward to Aya's wakings so that I could hold and feed her again. The nurses were very helpful and didn't make me feel like a novice at all. They showed me how to tickle her upper lip with my nipple, how to wait for her mouth to open as wide as possible, and then bring her quickly to the breast. The hardest thing for me was learning to anticipate when Aya would open up wide enough to bring her onto the breast. It seemed like she'd finally open wide and then before I knew it, she would close it again, too quickly for me to get her latched on. Or, I would get her latched on, but only to the tip of the nipple which obviously wasn't quite right. From there, I'd have to take her off the breast by putting my finger between my nipple and the side of her mouth, and start the whole looking, waiting, open wide, latching on process again.

When my nipples were sore (and getting sorer)36ish hours hours after our first feeding, I knew it was going to take some time to adjust to breastfeeding. I knew we probably had to work on Aya's latch and I wondered whether I was positioning her correctly. I noticed I was starting to crack and bleed a little bit in the hospital shower that second full day of her life. I used a lot of lanolin and felt humiliated when my discharge nurse said she couldn't get me another tube unless I wanted to pay for it.

Aya's feedings in the beginning were slow and I don't think I really knew what was happening. She would drink a little, and then fall asleep still sucking for a long time...sometimes it wasn't until nearly 45 minutes later that she would come off the breast and finish. At this point I always offered Aya both breasts, burping her in between not because she ever burped, but because that's what I had learned I should do. Later on, I learned not all babies really need to burp after feeding. Now, I find that sometimes Aya (at 5 months) burps on her own after a feeding and sometimes she doesn't. She is old enough that I can leave it up to her.

Breastfeeding those very first few times were wonderful--Aya would cry, eat, and then fall back asleep. I was sore, but I also wasn't aware of anything else that wasn't quite right. I didn't analyze and worry about our feeding times yet because there wasn't a need to. It wasn't until later, when we started to experience some difficulties, that feeding time became stressful and worrisome. Looking back, I'm thankful for those first feedings, and how I was just able to relax and let them happen. I was confident in my ability to nourish our baby. If I had stayed that calm through our difficult nursing months, we might have fared better. But, we always did the best we could at the time.