Feeding a Dolly

"Aya, your baby is hungry.  Do you want to give her some milk?"  I asked one lazy humid summer afternoon.  My husband and I followed our little girl as she toddled off, dolly in a tight grip,  into the bedroom where she found my boppy and asked for help getting onto our "nursing chair."  We had no idea Aya would respond in this way, but she acted as if it were the most natural and obvious thing to do.  After our difficult breastfeeding start, it was really very special for us to see that our little girl knew exactly how she wanted to feed her baby. 

Nursing While Pregnant

Nursing while pregnant has been a whole new experience.  The first thing that happened was that nursing became very painful.  It didn't seem to matter how wide Aya opened her mouth or how gentle she latched on.  It was a sharp and intense pain, but luckily for me, as soon as she started drinking, the pain lessened.  Slowly, during the end of my second trimester, I knew my milk was transitioning to colostrum, and along with the transition, feeding stopped hurting.  It was such a relief!  From what I have read, many infants stop feeding during pregnancy because the taste of the milk changes.  For my little girl the opposite has happened.  After my milk turned to colostrum, she has asked to nurse more frequently than before. 

I am thankful I have been able to continue breastfeeding Aya during this time.  I feel like it is my way of showing her I'm still HER mama, even when her new sister arrives.  I'm not yet sure how I'll nurse two, or whether Aya will even continue to be interested.  I don't really know what I will do if Aya decides she wants to nurse all of the time or is upset while I feed the new baby. I don't know whether or not I will tandem nurse or nurse them separately.  I really don't know.  But I plan to arm myself with some good advice beforehand and do some extra reading.  And then, I'll just experiment, and make decisions when new circumstances and feelings present themselves. 

My Babies Voice

When Aya was littler, I remember being jealous of the moms whose babies slept peacefully and often.  It seemed I often thought of these calm babies as "good" babies, and mine as "difficult" or maybe even "bad."  My friend used to call her babies cry his "voice."  This helped me rethink what I thought about Aya's cries in the night, and in the day.  It was her only way to express herself.  She wasn't trying to be loud or tiring or difficult. 

As Aya grew, she learned to suck on her arm for comfort like a thumb.  I noticed that each time she'd cry she would eventually take her arm to calm herself.  She too didn't want to be crying.  It wasn't fun for her either.  This gave me more compassion.

I found this article earlier this week.  With the arrivial of our next baby this Fall, I may need to remind myself of these cries for help or love or peace.  http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/good_baby.html

Compassion and Understanding

Many people know I am definitely a breastfeeding supporter, but recently I've been reminded of the importance of being a compassionate supporter.  By a compassionate supporter I mean realizing not all mothers can breastfeed the way they had hoped or wanted to.  I mean acknowledging that there are situations that lead a mother to stop before they or the baby are ready.  I mean listening to the stories of mothers without judgment. 

I have a friend who recently had to wean because she was on medications that would no longer allow safe milk for her baby.  The experience has been heartbreaking for my friend, and she feels inadequate.  She also wonders if mothers now judge her as she feeds her baby a bottle.  I believe that most mothers want to breastfeed their babies, and as a breastfeeding advocate I want to remember there is always a story behind the bottle that needs respect and understanding.  Feeding our children is a personal and unique experience.  All moms want the best for their babies, and if a mother who bottle feeds feels pressure or condemnation from breastfeeding mothers, then we have a long way to go. 

I Never Knew...

I never knew I could love our baby this much.

Last night after school, Dan and I drove to our PO Box to pick up the mail.  I was expecting a set of photos of our baby girl and there they were.  I am always excited to open up mail and sometimes I order pictures just so I can have the pleasure of diving into a new set of our favorite photo captures.  As we both looked through the photos, I kept stopping with each one, gushing over every smile and expression on Aya's face.  "Oh, I just LOVE this baby," I kept saying, holding the photos closer as if I could just get lost in her forever.  And then Dan said it, "You missed out on this feeling for so long in the beginning."  It hit me. I just now really and deeply love my baby.  In the beginning I could tell myself I loved my baby, but I certainly didn't feel it.  There wasn't a resounding, overwhelmingly beautiful feeling in my body that made me melt when I looked at Aya.  There wasn't a desire to snatch her up and kiss her all over her face. 

I will never know for sure all of the reasons I had such a difficult time bonding with our baby, but I do know that the bonding process is beautiful, and that it unfolds.  I am glad I have started to see it and celebrate it.  Whether I would have bonded more quickly if I hadn't experienced post-partum depression I won't know either, but I do know that once my body started recovering with the help of medication, counseling and family support, that I was able to begin falling in love with Aya. 

Nursing continues to be part of our bonding process.  For a time, I dreaded and feared nursing sessions because they often were uncomfortable and rarely accomplished their expected calming results.  Now it is a pleasure to nurse and I couldn't be happier when Aya wants me, just me.

An unexpected gift

I have been so grateful that for the past 11 months I have been able to pump enough milk for Aya.  I have to admit though, it has not been my favorite thing to do.  Holding baby Aya and seeing the joy she gets from nursing is worth every effort, but pumping isn't exactly enjoyable.  Despite my efforts to look at the positive aspects, I have grown tired of the routine.  Plus, it still makes me a little sore.  However, I had decided that I would continue to pump twice a day beyond her first year to make sure she continued to receive the best nutrition I could give her.  I kept telling myself it wasn't her decision that I work. 

And so I was okay with continuing my pumping regime.  Over winter break though, an unexpected gift came my way!  While away from work, I was able to nurse Aya as often as she wanted and sometimes she would go an entire daytime without nursing.  She was sleeping well at night and so often I might only be nursing 3-4 times in an entire 24 hour period.  When I returned to work a week and half later, it was very obvious my supply had naturally dropped because suddenly my standard 8 ounces a day had dropped to 6 or even less.  Rather than worry about not getting enough, I decided to just go with this new amount.  I told our sitter to let me know if it didn't seem to be enough for Aya, but after a few days she said Aya was doing great despite the smaller bottle.  This meant I really wasn't going to have to keep pumping as much after all ,and I can now get enough milk from just one pumping session a day.  This small little gift of time that I no longer have to pump has been a nice surprise and reminds me that in the big picture, the time we mothers pump for our babies is really very short and worth more than we can know.

Babies Want to Nurse

I read somewhere recently that babies really want to nurse.  Here are some experiences I have had while nursing Aya that lead me to believe this must be true.

In the beginning, when my milk supply far exceeded what Aya needed and my letdown was too fast for her small mouth, Aya continued to try nursing, even while sputtering and choking.  She cried in protest to tell me something was wrong, but she never stopped trying to make it work.

When Aya was sick last week, and too stuffed up to drink and breathe at the same time, she still found a way to nurse.  It looked uncomfortable and it looked like hard work, but Aya kept coming back for more. 

Aya lets us know when she doesn't want something and just about everything at one time or another has fallen into this category.  Sometimes she wants up, sometimes down.  Sometimes she loves applesauce and peas and other times she won't touch them.  Sometimes she likes to explore on her own and sometimes she wants to be close.  Yet Aya never turns down nursing.  It seems to be something she always wants to do. 

It must be true.  Babies must know their mother's milk is good for them, body and spirit. 

Still breastfeeding

Aya is 10 1/2 months now and at one time I had thought I would stop nursing her when she turned one.  However, as her first birthday approaches, I don't feel as though I'm ready to stop.  She still really enjoys nursing and I can't imagine that she will suddenly feel different on her birthday.  So, for now, I don't really have a plan for how long I will continue to nurse Aya.  I like knowing that she will benefit from my milk for as long as I give it to her, in ways that science can't duplicate.  She will continue to benefit from extra immunity and other nutrients that researchers are still discovering.  And perhaps too she'll benefit from the closeness and security breastfeeding provides. 

Nursing Beyond a Year

Breastfeeding Past Infancy

Breastfeed a Toddler--Why on Earth?