Finding a Pediatrician

Before Aya was born I visited just one pediatrician. Since he was recommended by two trusted friends and his hours were good for working moms and dads, we decided to go with him. He was kind and had a lot of experience. He had also raised a large family himself. Yet, it was difficult for me to know what questions to ask him because I didn't have any mothering experience or knowledge about what we would need in a pediatrician. It was like interviewing a computer technician to find out whether she would be able to fix my computer. Well, how would I know? I don't know anything about computers and would never be able to tell if the technician was good or bad.

After Aya was born, we found out that there were aspects of the clinic where he practiced that we didn't like. We didn't find his nurse very warm and the clinic was very large. We had to wait a long time to see the doctor and when he did see us it didn't feel thorough. We decided it didn't feel right to us so we started exploring.

We thought we had found the perfect pediatrician for us when we visited the clinic after hours, concerned Aya had an ear infection. The pediatrician was very gentle and warm. She took a lot of time talking to us and listening to us. She was also very sweet with Aya. It felt good to find someone we both felt good about. When we took Aya in at 6 weeks, worried she wasn't eating or sleeping well, the same pediatrician was still gentle and warm. She was very kind, expressed her opinion that Aya was colicky, and gave us lots of soothing techniques. We cried in her office and she continued to be very supportive of us. However, when we called our lactation consultant the same day to discuss this diagnosis, everything changed. No, she said, green stools weren't normal or okay as the pediatrician suggested. No, it was not necessarily a good thing that Aya had gained so much weight so quickly, and no, she shouldn't scream after feeding for a short time. These weren't symptoms we had to wait out, as is the prescribed medication for colic. These were symptoms we could address and Aya could feel better.

It was then we started to realize that most pediatricians aren't trained in lactation. Our pediatrician wasn't trying to ignore the signals Aya was giving us, she was only telling us what she knew to the best of her knowledge and experience. However, I felt if I was going to be breastfeeding I needed to take Aya to a pediatrician who had more knowledge about it. After two more appointments, with two different pediatricians, we found one that we are very happy with. As I told her my story with Aya, I could tell she wouldn't have told us Aya was just colicky. When I told her about Aya's green stools she said, "Oh, it sounds like she had too much foremilk." She didn't have me at hello, but she had me when she said this. I was also happy to know she breastfeed her own daughter and after becoming a pediatrician realized she needed to know more about breastfeeding and took additional classes.

I think finding a pediatrician is difficult and important. It is worth the time and energy to keep looking until you are comfortable.

Can you be good at breastfeeding?

During our early struggle to work out breastfeeding, I was very sensitive when people made suggestions about how to make it better, especially if it was a suggestion to use alternatives to breastfeeding. Looking back, I realize I was defensive because I thought I could be good or bad at breastfeeding. I wanted to be good at it, not struggling.

Now, I don't believe you can be good or bad at breastfeeding. You can be knowledgeable, flexible and sensitive to your babies needs, but I don't think it is something that can be graded. I looked at my breastfeeding as something that could be evaluated and assessed--and if I was good at it I felt I could be proud. This kind of thinking wasn't helpful for me. I needed to know breastfeeding isn't about being good or bad at it. It is about lovingly caring for your baby. It is about a relationship that nourishes, nurtures, protects, calms and embraces your child. You can't be good or bad at it, and one breastfeeding relationship can't be compared to the next. At its core it is good, no matter how difficult it can be. There isn't a plaque for nursing mothers that says, World's Best, or a certificate to win at an award ceremony. If only I had realized this lie I believed sooner.

Feeling Sensitive

During our struggle to work out breastfeeding Aya, I became increasingly protective of our nursing relationship. In the process, I also became increasingly defensive when someone suggested I try some different alternatives to simply feeding my baby from the breasts. We heard lots of things.

How about you pump all of your milk and then give her it in a bottle?
Try this bottle--it says it ends colic!
It sounds like she is swallowing a lot of air while she feeds and I bet that is causing her gas.
We could try formula and see how she does on it.
Maybe your milk isn't good quality.

Oh, it was so hard to listen. Anytime someone tried to offer a gentle suggestion to help I felt my body tighten and grow hot and frustrated. I didn't want to believe that anything but my own body could feed my baby best, but at the same time I knew that breastfeeding at this time was not making Aya (or me) happy. It felt very personal and I felt very violated when a suggestion crossed over from an onlooker and into the arms of my breastfeeding baby. The space between my chest and baby felt like a sacred, vulnerable space that shouldn't be touched no matter how well meaning the person was. Yet, I know everyone was only trying to lovingly help because they knew how upset I was.

I hadn't expected to feel this way, but I did. I think all mothers who want to exclusively breastfeed their baby have felt like this in some way or another. Or, they have felt this way about other decisions they have made as a mother. It takes a person who is secure in their own decisions to hear suggestions in the way they were intended. I just wasn't there yet.

Cabbage Leaves?

Yes, cabbage leaves. When Mary Kay started talking to me about ways to decrease my milk supply, she said a little tentatively, "You can try cabbage leaves too." Cabbage leaves have been used throughout the generations as a way to decrease a woman's milk supply, help with engorgement, or during weaning to keep the mother comfortable. Let me tell you, they work, and they work quickly!

I was open to trying anything of course, and so I took Mary Kay's advice and applied a freshly washed cabbage leaf to each breast, 20 minutes at a time, twice a day. We were careful not to overuse it because cabbage works quickly and effectively and we didn't want to diminish my supply too aggressively.

I liked to "wear" the cabbage after I fed Aya and took her for a walk. Since I wanted to walk for longer than 20 minutes, I watched my clock closely and when the time was up, I reached into my shirt, pulled out the cabbage, and tossed it on the ground for some natural composting. I had a good laugh about this thinking that if anyone had seen me they would have been very confused to see a young lady pulling a cabbage leaf out from under her shirt. However, I needed a good laugh during this time and so I did it without a worry in the world.

Reducing My Milk Supply

My oh my, where do I begin! Well, for starters, reducing my milk supply took quite a lot of experimenting and adjusting to meet Aya's needs. One of the best ways to reduce an abundant milk supply is to keep the breasts full as long as possible. Full breasts send a message to the brain that they overdid it and don't need to continue producing so much. This may seem simple, but when you have a baby that needs to eat frequently, keeping breasts full is difficult.

The way to get around this problem is to try what they call block feeding. Basically, you only feed on one side for a given period of time and block out the other; by keeping the one breast full longer you decrease your supply while still feeding your baby. It is a bit of a guessing game as to how long to block out a side, but we started by switching every two feedings. Since I was feeding Aya every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, this meant I blocked out one breast for about 5-6 hours at a time. Now as you can imagine, when this time had elapsed and it was time to let Aya feed from the other breast, it was VERY full, TOO full. If I had let Aya simply feed from that side she would have been overwhelmed by the milk and received far too much foremilk--the whole reason for her discomfort to begin with. To get around this, I had to pump off the first 1-2 ounces of milk before I fed Aya a more balanced milk with the hindmilk she had been missing out on for too long. At first, it was a bit of an experiment as to how much milk I needed to pump off. Too much, and my body would continue to make far too much milk. However, too little, and Aya was a very unhappy little lady.

So, our goal was twofold--keep Aya calm and peaceful by pumping off some milk while still decreasing my milk supply. Slowly but surely my supply did decrease, and I got good at knowing when I had pumped just enough milk so that Aya would be comfortable. Like learning to make bread or ride a bicycle, I began to get the feel of a breast that was just right for feeding Aya in comfort. In time, I knew my supply was decreasing because I didn't have to pump off as much milk in the beginning. Sometimes I didn't have to pump at all, especially late in the day when milk supply naturally decreases.

The hardest thing about pumping for me was that I had to do it for night feedings. It was really difficult for me to listen to little hungry Aya scream while I sat next to a nightlight and pumped. It was exhausting and felt like too much work. Several times, I thought about quitting all together. The pump made my breasts sore at first too; I had to use lanolin again, and felt like I was starting over in some ways. Nursing was not relaxing for me at all. It was the opposite. It made me nervous as I waited to see Aya's reaction to a feeding. Would she be content and peaceful? Would she arch her back and scream? Would she gulp and choke? I had seen pictures of women feeding their babies and not one of them looked like the battle it was for me. It was hard to continue when I felt like I was the reason Aya was so upset and challenging.

Through the entire process, we watched Aya's stools closely as an indicator of whether or not she was receiving hindmilk. During this time, I was eager to change her diaper to see if her stools had changed from green to yellow. Finally, after nearly a week, they did, and we knew Aya was finally getting a more balanced meal at each feeding.

The most miraculous change during this experience was Aya's demeanor. She wasn't colicky, her milk just wasn't quite right. She went from being fidgety and irritable, always on the brink of a meltdown, to a happy, calm little lady. Her fists unclenched, her arms relaxed. And so did we.

A new diagnosis; not colic

After we learned from the pediatrician that Aya had colic, I decided I should also call our lactation consultant to get her advice. I didn't think that screaming after feeding was normal or okay. Mary Kay agreed, and after listening to Aya's symptoms, suggested I was probably producing too much milk and overwhelming Aya's little developing system. I loved the questions she asked to help address our situation. They felt important and comprehensive. They felt like they were pinpointing a problem and not just addressing symptoms. She wanted to know Aya's birth weight, discharge weight, current weight, and all the details of what her feedings were like. After listening thoughtfully, she said it seemed as though Aya might be gaining weight too quickly. She also said that because Aya was gulping and choking her way through feedings, my letdown was probably very fast and forceful which is common with oversupply. Additionally, Mary Kay wanted to know what Aya's stools were like. I told her they were green and had wondered why I never saw the mustard yellow ones I thought breastfeed babies were supposed to have. These green stools also turned out to be a sign of oversupply. And so, the education on oversupply began.

There are two different kinds of milk mother's produce, foremilk and hindmilk. Foremilk comes first; it is a thirst quencher, high in lactose, and looks like skim milk. Later in the feeding, the fat content in the milk increases with each letdown. This later, more calorie dense milk, is called the hindmilk. It is creamy and thicker, and higher in calories. That is why it is important babies learn to empty one breast before going to the next, so they get a balance of both kinds of milk. When a mother produces too much milk (or more than the baby needs), an imbalance of foremilk and hindmilk is the result. Babies' tummies fill up on the early foremilk and don't have enough room for the hindmilk that comes later in a feeding. This imbalance will cause gas, fussiness, colicky symptoms and possibly reflux. The fact I switched Aya to the other breast each time she came off of the first breast crying only made the problem worse. As I switched her to the other side she was once again overwhelmed by additional foremilk, making her tummy hurt more .

I was so happy to hear there may be help for our little Aya, and relief for us too. The process of decreasing my milk supply was about to begin.

6 weeks and colic

Both Dan and I have decided that at 6 weeks we hit rock bottom. Dan's best friend was visiting us from California, which was something I had planned for Dan to thank him for all of his support during our pregnancy. It also happened to be the week we had not planned for. I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. What we did know however was that our little Aya couldn't seem to sleep, she cried when she was awake, and she wasn't eating well. When I would try to nurse her she would come off the breast after a minute or two and scream. I would assume I must not have enough milk on that side and switch her to the other, only to watch Aya repeat the same actions. She would nurse frantically for a minute or two, come of the breast, and scream. I would try to burp her but nothing would happen and she would continue to cry and cry some more, before we would eventually be able to bounce her to sleep. I felt like I was always waiting for the next feeding in hopes everything would be better. I had counted on feeding being a relaxing time for me and Aya, but it ended up being the opposite. Feeding Aya wasn't relaxing at all; rather it was stressful. It made me anxious and it definitely didn't seem to calm our daughter.

So, we called our pediatrician. Our pediatrician was very kind. She listened to our story with gentle sighs and watched me feed Aya. She said she seemed to be latched on well, and she was encouraged that Aya had gained a lot of weight. She guessed Aya was showing signs of colic and gave us a long list of things we could try to soothe her. She told us to get help. I looked over at Dan and I saw tears streaming down his face. Dan never shows emotions in public and rarely with me. When I saw him, I started to cry too. As we left the doctor's office I used the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked so bad, and I really didn't even care. When we left the clinic, Aya finally fell asleep in her car seat. Dan and I looked at each other and almost without saying anything at all, both decided to just drive until she woke again. We called my mom and told her we needed help.

Crying Spells

By 5 weeks, both my mom and mother-in-law were able to recognize that Aya's crying seemed more like distress than just fussiness. We couldn't tell. We always heard babies would cry so we didn't know what was normal. Both my mom and mother-in-law were a lot calmer during Aya's crying spells. I would sit and watch them gently rock her, bounce her or walk her from one side of the room to the next. Their faces were happy and full of delight, really. No, they weren't happy their grandbaby wasn't content, but they were happy because they loved her and wanted to spend time with her regardless of her disposition. My husband and I on the other hand were drained, our tanks were on empty, and we just wanted our little girl to sleep because after all, the only time she wasn't crying was while she slept. I remember my brother saying once, "Why do you want Aya to sleep all day?" I didn't like the question then, but looking back I have an answer, "Because it is the only time she is happy!"

My mom and mother-in-law also showed us different ways of holding Aya and tried to help reduce her gas by holding her on one side and then switching her to the other side. She seemed to be more comfortable face out, her head nestled against the inside of their elbows, her feet dangling on either side of the palm of their hands. They knew she had pain because one minute she would be peacefully asleep and the next her eye brows would furrow, her body would grow rigid and she would let out a loud screech. What we still didn't know was that we could help her by addressing the cause of the gas, not just treating its symptoms.

4 Weeks Old

There they were, more signs that something wasn't going right for Aya when she ate. Yet again, I didn't know. Feeding was becoming more and more of what felt like a battle. She would come on and off of the breast sputtering or choking. I would keep putting her back on the beast because it hadn't been very long, and she'd suck some more before once again coming off sputtering and fussing. Often, she cried after feedings and never really seemed peaceful. Aya was already getting far too much milk, far too quickly, but I didn't know. Later, I learned that the force of my letdown was like laying on your back and drinking from a hose that is on full blast. At this time, I simply switched Aya to the other side every time she came off of the first breast. I didn't know what else to do.

3 Weeks Old

At 3 weeks old, Aya was beginning to show some signs of a larger problem that I didn't know could exist. Around 6 weeks, we discovered I was producing far more milk than Aya needed or could handle. I wish I had known the signs in those early days, but as my lactation consultant said, we don't live in a culture that makes it very easy for moms to learn about breastfeeding from other moms. So, there we were at 3 weeks. Aya was rarely content. She fussed most of the time that she was awake and feedings didn't always seem to calm her. Usually, she still cried after eating which was confusing because I thought if I fed her she would have what she needed. It was hard to know when Aya was actually hungry because she was always very discontent. I now think it is important to know that crying or discontentment after eating is usually a sign there might be a problem, or at least is something to ask about.

The Clock and Reading Hunger Cues

During the first weeks, I really thought if I wrote down exactly what time Aya had ate and for how long on each side that I might start to notice a pattern in her day. I thought if Aya had a pattern, life would get a lot easier. Now, I realize that it is good to live less structured for awhile. It is good for my character. I think I must have read about writing down the details of every feeding in a book or else I don't think I would have thought about doing it. I wish I hadn't read it because it made me watch the clock way too much and listen far too little to the needs of my Aya. Breastfeeding is the first thing a mom and baby learn to do together and I had to learn to trust my little girl would stop when she had had enough and give me enough signals to tell me when she was hungry. For a long time, I found it difficult to read these cues; sometimes, I still do.

Now, nearly 6 months later, Aya does have more of a rhythm to her day, but it doesn't always say the same time on the clock. I have learned that when she pats my chest and cries towards the end of feedings it doesn't mean she is still hungry and can't get any more milk. I have learned it means she is done and wants to move on to something more exciting. I have also learned to read Aya's hunger cues better. She doesn't always put her hands to mouth like I read in the books, nor does she always root when I touch her cheek. Sometimes Aya starts rooting when she is not hungry and just needs to suck for awhile. Aya's hunger cues are more like a nervous dance accompanied by jerking legs and wiggling, anxious arms. I think hunger cues change as a baby grows and moms learn right along with them.

Nigthtime Fears

After the first week of night times with Aya, I have to admit I was really afraid of them. As it got later in the day and the sun set, I became increasingly anxious about how the night would go. I was always very tired by this point in the day, and desperately wanted to know that I would be able to sleep, even if it would only be for short stretches. Before Aya, I was used to knowing that my day would eventually "end," and that I would have time to sit with my husband and wind down with him each evening. It didn't matter what kind of day I was having at school because I knew there "was a light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. I would get to sit and enjoy a dinner of chicken and avocado, munch on my daily ritual snack-banana chips, and get my feet rubbed before drifting off to sleep. I wasn't prepared for what it would be like to have a baby at home who didn't yet have any sort of routine or predictability. I didn't know how long the evening hours would stretch and when Aya would finally "settle in" and sleep for her first stretch of the night. The days were hard, and I think they were even harder for me because I didn't know when they would "end" and relaxing would commence.

For the first several weeks, I never did really feel like I got to relax before going to sleep. In fact, the evenings became the trickiest time of the day. We were the most tired, and Aya was the fussiest. It seemed like the only thing that would comfort her was nursing, and so that is what I did, every hour or so, until finally, sometimes as late as 11, Aya would be so worn out from screaming her way to the next feeding, that she could be put down and stay asleep. At that moment, tired and cranky, often very irritated, even angry, I would go to bed, not because I really wanted to, or had had time to wind down or reflect on the goodness of the day, but because I felt rushed to sleep knowing that the window might be short.

I will say that this period of time passed, and only in retrospect, I can say it passed quickly. In time, Aya became calmer in the evenings and content with our special evening time routine--a bath, a gentle massage and a long comforting nurse before she entered into dreams. We started to know and trust our little girl actually would fall asleep each evening. I could lay her down, leave her room, and enter into our kitchen to finish the dinner preparations knowing that it was now our time wind down and put the day into a capsule of gratitude before bed. The time where I knew my day would eventually come to a close peacefully did come, and I remember the first time it happened. I felt like celebrating and we did. We sat down on our back patio and grilled some steak. I didn't know I would ever have a sense of normalcy again, and there it was, sitting under the slowly darkening sky, in my own life, with our own baby girl snoozing inside. And she looked so beautiful and she was ours.

Let the Healing Begin

I can't emphasize enough the important of getting in touch with a lactation consultant as early as possible as you begin to breastfeed. I thought things were going just fine. I was sore, cracked and bleeding some, but I had heard this was par for the course and that it would get better. "Give it two weeks," was what I always heard. However, feedings were becoming increasingly more difficult and painful. I was beginning to dread them, even cry through them. It didn't help when Aya wanted to nurse for long periods of time, especially in the middle of the night when I hadn't figured out how to nurse her comfortably. I thought I just had to muscle up and let it pass, but when I finally called Mary Kay I found out I was wrong. She said that if I was cracked and bleeding I might want to consider using a nipple shield so they could heal and feedings could be more comfortable. Nipple shields also help newborns learn to latch on if they are having difficulty. The minute we heard this advice, Dan went out to get one at our local Target, and suddenly, miraculously, feeding became comfortable, almost enjoyable, for the first time since those initial feedings in the hospital. Plus, as an added bonus, it seemed Aya's latch had improved. Her mouth opened wider and her lips uncurled. In just two days I wasn't cracked or bleeding any longer and didn't have to use the shield again. The best thing about using the shield was that Aya's latch had improved as a result, and it seemed to stick even after I stopped using it. Dan always says to expecting parents now, "Make sure you have a nipple shield before the baby comes!" No one has ever heard of one and we still wonder why they don't come home with you from the hospital instead of information on supplementing and formula. Why keep these secrets from moms hoping to breastfeed? We have no idea!

One important thing to know while using a nipple shield is that it can sometimes cause a decrease in milk supply if used incorrectly, so please be in touch with a lactation consultant before and during its use.

Day and Night Confusion

I think all moms and dads go through some long and loud first nights with their newborns. Aya was no exception. She would sleep and sleep and sleep during the day and then cry and cry and cry all night long...which would have been okay if our own day and night schedules were reversed too. When I got in touch with Mary Kay, my lactation consultant and dear friend's mom, I told her how difficult it was to get Aya to settle in at night. I explained that she would cry hard for long periods of time until finally going back to sleep snuggled up against my chest. Mary Kay wondered how often Aya was eating during the day and was surprised when I told her she would easily go 5 hour stretches in the daytime without food. Mary Kay suggested we needed to wake Aya during the day to feed her every two hours if we could, not only to help establish my milk supply, but also to give Aya more tactile touch during the day in hopes she would sleep better at night. After a day or two of getting Aya up to eat during the day, to hold her close and love her, her nights went a lot more smoothly, and so did ours. It is these little tips I wish I had known about. Sweet Aya needed love and affection; she didn't know the difference between 3 pm and 3 am, but I certainly appreciated it when we helped her figure it out.

The following article, The World Through My Child's Eyes, beautifully paints a picture of those first few nights. http://www.llli.org/NB/NBNovDec06p256.html

Early Questions

Unfortunately, our first and only full day at the hospital was Sunday. Sunday would have been fine except for the fact it was the only day at the hospital the lactation specialists don't work. The nurses were very helpful but I don't think they were able to offer the expertise of a trained, certified, lactation specialist. On the day of our discharge, the lactation specialist finally came to visit with us. Aya had just nursed and was sleeping peacefully. She asked us how things were going and I told her they seemed to be going well (I didn't have the experience to know they could have been going a lot better). I told her that I was beginning to feel sore and she encouraged me to make sure Aya's mouth was wide open before latching on. Looking back, I really wished I had described how Aya was nursing to get feedback. I also wish I would have let her watch me feed Aya so that she could have given some suggestions. I believe the first days of nursing are so very critical for a good and solid start to breastfeeding, and I now understand that many problems can be avoided if they are noticed initially before they become bigger, and more challenging. And so my suggestion to new moms is to make sure they have as much help breastfeeding in the beginning as possible. Ask the nurses, the lactation specialists, and maybe even a la leche league leader, to sit with you while you nurse and offer feedback and suggestions. Continue to get support when you go home too because your milk most likely won't even come home until a day or two after you've left the hospital. Make plans ahead of time to have a post partum doula, or a local la leche league leader on hand if you need them to visit you in your home. Here are some questions I wish I had asked but didn't know I needed the answers until much later.
How should nursing feel?
What should nursing sound like?
Can you help me position Aya?
How can I be more comfortable while nursing?
How often should I nurse?
How can I know when the baby is done?
It was difficult to know what questions to ask in the beginning because I didn't know what I needed to know. I now often tell my pregnant friends to focus less on how to go through labor and more on how to feed their baby. After all, feeding and sleeping is what newborns do and in my experience, when feeding isn't going well, nothing else goes well either.

Home Sweet Home

Before we left the hospital the lactation specialist met with us briefly. I listened to her explain that often babies "wake up" the first night they are at home and want to be held close all night long. She was right. The quiet, content baby I had known at the hospital couldn't have needed her mama more those first nights we were home. I wasn't prepared for those nights. Aya would nurse and nurse and nurse and nurse but still not settle down or stay asleep when she was done. She would suckle peacefully, finish asleep, but then suddenly reawaken and cry some more. I felt like the only way to calm her and soothe her to sleep was to feed her once again. While this pattern seemed to comfort Aya for the moment, it also made me even sorer than I already was. Breastfeeding became more and more uncomfortable and I started to resent the fact I wasn't sleeping at all and that I was hurting. I started to feel really exhausted. In fact, the only way I could get little bean (my nickname for Aya) to sleep without nursing was to lay her on my chest. She would swim up under my neck and finally let herself dream. She was beautifully compact against my chest. Each little movement reminded me of the movement I felt while she was still cozy inside of my belly and I wondered if she was trying to recreate the womb. I might have loved this familiar, nurturing position more, except for the fact that I couldn't seem to fall asleep while she slept. So, eventually she would wake again to eat, I would feed her (while I felt a lot of pain), and she would then cry again until finally finding that sweet spot high up on my chest, nestled underneath my chin. I felt drained and unable to lay in awe of my sleeping miracle.

First Feedings

I think one of the very best things about the first time I fed Aya was that I didn't think about it; I just held her, brought her close, and let it happen. I didn't know if it was a correct latch, a correct position, or even if she was drinking very much. But, what was so nice was that I didn't care. What did matter was that I was holding my little girl and that she was being loved. I wish now I could remember that first feeding with even more clarity. I wish I could see her eyes, smell her, and touch her skin all over again.

For those first two nights in the hospital I would look forward to Aya's wakings so that I could hold and feed her again. The nurses were very helpful and didn't make me feel like a novice at all. They showed me how to tickle her upper lip with my nipple, how to wait for her mouth to open as wide as possible, and then bring her quickly to the breast. The hardest thing for me was learning to anticipate when Aya would open up wide enough to bring her onto the breast. It seemed like she'd finally open wide and then before I knew it, she would close it again, too quickly for me to get her latched on. Or, I would get her latched on, but only to the tip of the nipple which obviously wasn't quite right. From there, I'd have to take her off the breast by putting my finger between my nipple and the side of her mouth, and start the whole looking, waiting, open wide, latching on process again.

When my nipples were sore (and getting sorer)36ish hours hours after our first feeding, I knew it was going to take some time to adjust to breastfeeding. I knew we probably had to work on Aya's latch and I wondered whether I was positioning her correctly. I noticed I was starting to crack and bleed a little bit in the hospital shower that second full day of her life. I used a lot of lanolin and felt humiliated when my discharge nurse said she couldn't get me another tube unless I wanted to pay for it.

Aya's feedings in the beginning were slow and I don't think I really knew what was happening. She would drink a little, and then fall asleep still sucking for a long time...sometimes it wasn't until nearly 45 minutes later that she would come off the breast and finish. At this point I always offered Aya both breasts, burping her in between not because she ever burped, but because that's what I had learned I should do. Later on, I learned not all babies really need to burp after feeding. Now, I find that sometimes Aya (at 5 months) burps on her own after a feeding and sometimes she doesn't. She is old enough that I can leave it up to her.

Breastfeeding those very first few times were wonderful--Aya would cry, eat, and then fall back asleep. I was sore, but I also wasn't aware of anything else that wasn't quite right. I didn't analyze and worry about our feeding times yet because there wasn't a need to. It wasn't until later, when we started to experience some difficulties, that feeding time became stressful and worrisome. Looking back, I'm thankful for those first feedings, and how I was just able to relax and let them happen. I was confident in my ability to nourish our baby. If I had stayed that calm through our difficult nursing months, we might have fared better. But, we always did the best we could at the time.

Starting Milk Mustache

As my friends and family know, breastfeeding was the largest challenge we faced early in Aya's life and a challenge I definitely didn't see coming. In fact, before my own breastfeeding journey began, I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't breastfeed. I had many misconceptions about breastfeeding. I thought it was easy and natural. I knew I might be sore in the first few days and I knew latching on might be a bit difficult in the beginning, but I didn't expect other breastfeeding obstacles. Somehow I felt I would be "above" other challenges I had heard about. I heard other moms talk about why they had to stop breastfeeding and I would simply say to myself, "That won't be me." Sadly, I thought moms who quit breastfeeding were just lazy, or mabye even selfish. But I was very wrong. Breastfeeding felt like a battle to me. I didn't like it and I didn't want to continue. My daughter didn't seem to be benefiting from it and it made me feel both physically and emotionally drained. I felt consumed by my breastfeeding issues. They felt like the source of my stress, nerves and pure exhaustion. I realized I had been too quick to judge.

And so this journal is my way of sharing all I have learned through my difficult breastfeeding start. It is my hope other moms might be able to gather strength and reassurance through reading about my own unique situation with Aya. I have started making plans to be a board certified lactation specialist to help moms like me who wanted to breastfeed but desperately needed help. When (and if) that happens, I will feel more comfortable sharing ideas and information to help with breastfeeding challenges, but for now I can only speak from my experience and hope it helps other moms as they begin their own breastfeeding journey.

Finally, I want to thank my own breastfeeding mentor, and La Leche League leader, Mary Kay, for making it possible for me to continue breastfeeding Aya. There were many days I wanted to stop and without her and the support of my mom and husband, I think I would have. Breastfeeding might be easy and natural for some, but as I have learned, the majority of new moms do have some difficulty. I do believe however, that with support and love, most moms can breastfeed with joy and with gratitude. It is a life changing gift and opportunity that takes time to open. My blog is just one way I feel I might be able to help stregthen the circle of breastfeeding support that already exists.